Saturday, September 22, 2018

The False Alarm Friend

Can we talk about this person for a second, please? The false alarm friend? Or relative. It can definitely be a relative. Usually an in-law. I can’t say for sure that they haven’t covered this on Seinfeld, but a quick Google search suggests not. Which is odd, because the False Alarm Friend (hereinafter, “FAF”) is definitely a type. 

A close cousin of the “The False Gasper” and “The Scary Sneezer,” (both of which I have covered in prior
posts), the False Alarm Friend scares the shit out of you with cryptic texts and voice mails, only to unwittingly deliver a punchline that results in a massive and jarring feedback loop of neurochemicals in and out of your adrenal system.

The FAF is what the kids call “extra.” Here’s how a text convo goes with a FAF:

FAF: I have something urgent to tell you
You: OMG what?
*10 minutes elapse*
You: Hello? I’m calling you.
*straight to voicemail*
You: what’s going on are you okay?
FAF: Are you sitting down
You: WHAT?! You’re scaring me
FAF: They have organic anchovy paste on sale at Costco

Here’s a voice mail from the FAF:

FAF VMX: “Hi .... um. Can you call me back? We need to talk as soon as possible.”
You: SHIT!! *calls FAF* Hi I got your voice mail what’s up?!
FAF: What size socks does Isaac wear?
You: Wut 
FAF: What size socks does Isaac wear? I’m standing in Gap Kids and they’re having a half off sale on boys’ socks 
You: Are you fucking serious right now?

There’re only so many times your heart will restart. If you want to conserve them, I suggest readjusting your expectations of the False Alarm Friend.

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