Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Embezzlement Isn't Funny, But Cremating Your Cat and Going to a Tim McGraw Concert With Embezzled Money Kind of Is

The news that a Juneau woman has been charged with embezzling $514,371.76 from Juneau Bone & Joint orthopedic care center was troubling to me because obviously, embezzlement is a super shady crime and inherently troubling. But also because I heart Juneau Bone & Joint, both the name of the facility (which is also a great name for a retail marijuana dispensary, just saying) and all the peeps who work there.

(To this latter point, Dr. Ted Schwarting, If you're reading this, you are seriously an effing genius of ACL surgery/bedside manner, and my cadaver graft ACL is holding up aces. Also, this would be a good time to apologize for throwing up near (on?) you when I woke up from my operation, and sorry I forgot to shave my legs. Also, I'm sorry I called you at home 48 hours later to make the obvious complaint that my knee hurt. You were super nice and understanding about all of these things. However, I'm still not sure the donor graft didn't come from a serial killer? Or at least a habitual drunk? I've been noticing some personality changes and I'm kinda worried about that. I'll call you).

Anyway, over the course of her seven years in the employ of Juneau Bone & Joint, the felonious office manager allegedly used her business credit card "by mistake and it got out of hand." And by a "mistake" that "got out of hand," she means she went to see Tim McGraw and P!nk in concert, visited Disneyland, cremated her cat, and took in a Seahawks Game.

Tim McGraw? Cat cremation? Disneyland? REALLY?! That's one out of hand mistake, alright. 

Sure all of God's creatures (even heinous cats) deserve a respectful sendoff to the afterlife and Russell Wilson is legit. But still. I could think of like, 100 better things to do with half a million embezzled dollars than any ONE of those things! I mean, the least she could have done was see Pearl Jam, visit the Galapagos, and attend the World Cup instead of all this white bread, boring ass middle-of-'Murica type shit.

If you're going to embezzle money, go hard or go home, I say. At least be able to hold your head high on the perp walk and show the world that you went down swinging with some really choice, once-in-a-lifetime type swag instead of a bunch of milk toast, mainstream, corporate, sanitized, mass-produced garbage.

I mean really, sis! Have some self respek. Sheesh.

The former office manager of Juneau Boint & Joint Center has been charged with stealing half a million dollars.  Michael Penn | Juneau Empire
Photo: Michael Penn/Juneau Empire

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