Tuesday, August 2, 2016

5 Things You Accidentally Gave Your Kids Permission to Do While Totally Spacing Out

1. Conduct a science experiment using everything in your pantry and refrigerator: "Um, yeah whatever," you said while toggling back and forth between three ex boyfriends' Facebook and Instagram accounts. By the time you realized what you'd agreed to, an entire bottle of Mesquite seasoning had spilled into the coils of the electric stove top and something was definitely burning.

2. Get a puppy: "Sure, fine, uh huh," you muttered while taking every pair of underwear out of your drawer and throwing it over your shoulder in a desperate search for Spanx to wear under a dress to a wedding. The next day, there was an amazing amount of wailing when you were forced to rescind an offer you couldn't even recall making.

3. Invite 10 kids to sleepover: "Yes, yes, okay, uh huh," you replied as you kept pressing numbers and shouting into your phone in a vain attempt to get through to a goddamn human being for fuck's sake. Before you knew what hit you, kids you'd never even seen before were showing up on your doorstep with sleeping bags.

4. Let them watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row, with popcorn: "Yup, no problem," you remarked aimlessly while plucking stray hairs off your chin and thinking about that horrible pressing deadline at work. The next thing you remembered was yelling at the kids to put that remote control down and climb down from the kitchen cabinet where the popcorn is kept.

5. Paint a mural on their bedroom wall: "Alright, sounds good," you told them while standing at your kitchen counter and thumbing through the mail, setting aside a water bill to peruse your college alumni magazine so you could find out who in your class died recently and who managed to become more successful than you simply by not dying. When you went into their bedroom 45 minutes later, you had an out of body experience while screaming "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO IN HERE?" at the top of your lungs.

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