Wednesday, August 17, 2016

5 Super Sexy Summer Sandal Style Trends that Say: "Not in Alaska, Sister!"

Attention, ladies! Summer is almost over, but it's not too late to try these super cute and sexy, stylish summer sandal trends! UNLESS of course you live in Alaska, in which case it's really only ever sensible to rock rubber rain boots or hospital clogs year-round, whether or not you work in a hospital or on a fishing boat.

1. Calf-High Gladiator Sandals: Whether you're off to do battle with a lion in a Roman Colosseum or headed to a club with bottle service on the Vegas strip, these super hot metallic gladiator sandals are guaranteed to turn heads. Especially if you live in Alaska, where heads will turn and people will straight-up look at you like, "Are you fucking KIDDING me with those!?"

2. Peep-Toe Gladiator Bootie: These super swank booties would make Kim Kardashian jealous! If you're thinking of owning the night with these in the State of Alaska though, think again, because--pro tip--those six-inch stiletto heels do NOT mix with open-grate, snow and ice-resistant metal stairs!

3. Gold Thong Flats: Time to treat yourself to a sweet pedi and be the envy of the whole beach in these adorable metallic flats! Just don't wear them on any mud flats though, because mud flats are not actually a beach, and while pulling you from quick sand, Search and Rescue will rightly ask why the fuck you were out there in the first place, much less while sporting this totally impractical footwear!

4. Nude Block Heel Peep-Toe Sandal: Great for work meetings or just grabbing drinks with the girls, these simple yet elegant open-toed sandals announce to all of Alaska that you're a serious dipshit for trying to tromp down an unpaved road in these!

5. Suede Fringe Peep-Toe Wedge: It's ALL about fringe this season my boos, so get on board with these super on-trend cork and suede fringe wedges! Just don't try to get on board a boat in these, because you'll fall flat on your ass or into the water and be mocked mercilessly (at best) or drown in rushing 40 degree glacial runoff (at worst)!

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