Alphabet Soup Now World's Only Source of Reliable Information

We now live in a post-factual universe. One where a Facebook algorithm decides the presidency and Alex Jones from Info Wars appears to be as credible as the New York Times. (A publication which, let me remind you, gave HRC a 92% chance of beating Donald Trump up until 45 minutes before her campaign flat-lined in real time on the gurney of its live website. It was like watching an episode of ER, but without George Clooney and less entertaining).

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame the media. Not one bit. I blame myself, and everyone else who apparently lacks the ability to think critically or sort fact from fiction, and is naive enough to rely on anyone else to do either of those things for us.

Which is why I will now resort to Campbell's alphabet soup as the world's only remaining source of reliable information. 

Each day at lunch from this moment forth, I will open a can of alphabet soup, heat it up in the microwave, stir it around, and see what random letters pop up on my spoon. I will then use those letters to form words, and those words sentences, and those sentences facts, and those facts news, and I will then distribute that news on the internet and call it the truth.

I mean, why not? 

It's as reliable a source of information as anything else. Since facts don't matter, cable news is ethically bankrupt, and the internet is an undrained swamp (to borrow a metaphor from our Fearless Leader) of lies and disinformation, we might as well get the truth from our soup. That way, at least we can gobble it down with some tender canned green beans, cubed carrots, and our full daily allowance of the most American element on the Periodic Table:

Sodium.