Saturday, November 19, 2016

2016 Updates to Key Amendments in the Bill of Rights

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, unless that law stops gay people from buying Christian people's wedding cakes, prohibiting the free exercise thereof, unless it's Islam and maybe Judaism; or abridging the freedom of speech, as long as that speech is swastika graffiti and not booing the Vice President at a musical, or of the press, as long as the press continues to report on plate memes and kittens on a 24 hour loop instead of complicated and scary stuff like Russia engaging in cyber warfare to manipulate American democracy; or the right of the white people peaceably to assemble at a Trump rally, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances and get a pleasant staffer on the phone whose boss has no intention of ever redressing a single grievance.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed ever under any circumstances, even if it means a classroom full of kindergarteners gets annihilated by a psychopath in 30 seconds, and despite the fact that no one who ever suggested that might be a bad thing ever took a single gun away from anyone.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, unless you are living while black or brown, in which case all bets are off, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, again unless you're black or brown.

Amendment VII

In fraud suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, but the suit will be settled by the defendant President-Elect for 25 million dollars, even when he tweets that he could have won at trial but had to focus on the country instead, which was the only reason he settled. preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless you consider the death penalty, lack of health care, ethnic and race-based harassment, sexual assault, and the President-Elect's Twitter feed cruel and unusual punishment.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people,
unless a rogue's gallery of terrifying white nationalists and supremacists in the White House says so and receives acquiescence from the judges they appointed to the Court who is the last line of defense for such things.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people, so be thankful for small favors because God knows the federal government is about to fuck you in the ass so hard you'll need colorectal surgery (paid for out of pocket, of course).



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