Thursday, August 11, 2016

Tourist Tips: 5 Pieces of Crap You Never Knew You Needed Until You Saw Them Near the Checkout Counter of a Gift Shop in Alaska

1. Moose Dropping Candy: Feeling a craving for some chocolate-covered almonds? Just stare at this packaging where Bullwinkle is emerging from an outhouse, use your imagination, and pretend this candy is actually moose shit. Not only will this kitschy association make you lose your appetite and inhale fewer calories, it will remind you of your trip to the Last Frontier! Clearly you had no idea what chocolate almonds should really be until you saw these right beside a few jars of fireweed jelly or some crap.

2. Seal/Sea Lion Cub Paperweight: Why use any old paperweight or dictionary to hold down your papers (assuming you need to do that in the first place), when you can have this adorable made-in-China Alaskan seal/sea lion with her cub on an ice floe do the job instead? Bet you never knew you needed this until you saw it on a shelf next to a pocket ulu knife.

3. Pocket Ulu Knife: And speaking of pocket ulu knives, I bet you never knew you needed a pocket ulu knife (or any ulu knife), until you came to Alaska and found out what an ulu knife was, at which point you desperately needed one in your pocket. Right?

4. Bear Claw Salad Tongs: I bet you didn't know you needed these until you saw them in that store by the cruise ship dock right in front of a rack of "Alaska Girls/Grandmas Kick Ass/Booty" hoodies, but trust me, you do. Don't just pick your salad out of a bowl with a spoon and a fork, for fuck's sake! Pick it up with two forks with no handles and one extra prong and call them bear claws. DO IT NOW!

5. Igloo Refrigerator Magnet: This adorable magnet manages to squeeze into 2.5 inches at least three different stupid and offensive stereotypes about the Great Land. Amazing! You didn't know you needed to be reminded of all of those when you got home to Texas or Wisconsin or wherever until you saw this magnet hiding behind a row of allegedly-made-in-Alaska hot sauce bottles, did you? Well, you do. You definitely, definitely need this.

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