Monday, July 18, 2016

Sunny Days in Juneau Cast Light on Thick Layer of Grime All Over Everyone's Stuff

JUNEAU, ALASKA

A recent streak of warm, sunny weather has been a welcome reprieve to the residents of this temperate rain forest, where locals can be found gardening, boating, hiking, biking, fishing, running, and generally attempting to raise their Vitamin D blood levels on an average of less than 4 hours' sleep per night.

Just one gray lining has tempered the otherwise rare and celebrated appearance of our solar system's life-giving star to this often dark, damp, and dreary northern corner of the planet: 

A thick layer of grime is now visible all over everyone's stuff. 

"It's definitely pretty gross," said one Juneauite who asked to be identified only as Jen. "It's like, all of a sudden I can see every streak of bird poo, ever speck of dust, and every fingerprint my kids have left all over our windows, and I haven't done the dishes in my sink in like, two weeks. Trust me. It's not pretty."

"The mold is unbelievable," commented a local welder who would not give his name, but was power-washing his vinyl siding shirtless and with enthusiasm. "I just didn't notice it before, but now that I see it in the light of day, I'm just like, this is really disgusting. At least I get to be outside!"

An O.H.M. reporter conducted an informal survey of locals' living rooms, kitchens, and indoor spaces and found them to be generally filthy and neglected due to as little time spent indoors as possible over the past ten days. 

Everyone's gardens and tans are looking dope though.

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