Wednesday, July 20, 2016

New Poll: 99% of Americans Want to Be Placed in Drug-Induced Coma Until After November 8, 2016

A new poll just out today from the Pew Research Foundation concludes that 99% of Americans all along the political spectrum desperately want to be placed into a drug-induced coma until after the general presidential election on November 8 of this year.

"Oh good heavens, yes!," said Mabel Merriwether, a homemaker from Iowa who identifies as a conservative but said she was unsure she would vote for Donald Trump. "Whether I vote for the fellow or not, I'm just so gosh-darned tired of hearing about this election all the time! I would very much enjoy an intravenous drip of Fentanyl under close medical supervision until after the election, although I'd need to have my grandson come and feed my kitty cats of course."

"What I'd really prefer is to be in my own bed," said Tom Rellingston, an IT manager at a small insurance firm in Olympia, Washington who is a former Bernie Sanders supporter slowly coming around to the Hillary camp.

"But I'd settle for like, a hospice care facility. I'm thinking about absentee voting like, a few months in advance if possible, because ideally I will go under a heavy dose of Propofol and not awaken until at least January of 2017. It's really the only coping mechanism left that I can see to deal with the pre, during, and post-election coverage anymore. Seriously a drug-induced coma is preferable to one more second of TV or the internet."

Authors of the study could not be reached for comment because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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