Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I Have a Few Questions for the Oregon Militia Guys Who are Blowing the Shofar

I'm glad Talking Points Memo exists, because without it I'd probably never see all the up-to-the-minute developments and hilarious YouTube videos in the Oregon militia standoff. 

The latest--posted to The Facebooks by a guy named Blaine Cooper --shows two men blowing into a couple of ram's horns for 40 seconds straight in a call for all "Christians" to come join their cause. When sharing the video, Blaine said this in all caps:
SHARE UPDATE BURNS OREGON! CHRISTIANS THE BATTLE TRUMPET HAS BEEN SOUNDED TIME TO RISE! CALL TO ACTION SEND IN THE TROOPS TO STAND WITH US IN BURNS OREGON!
M'kay. Well, I have a few questions for Blaine:

1.  Is the guy on the right wearing a cammo jacket from Cabelas, and if so, do you know whether he bought it on sale? I want to buy one for my husband--for all the times he goes not-hunting here in Alaska.

2. Why is your name Blaine? 

3. Did you know Blaine is the name of the lead character played by Andrew McCarthy opposite Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink? (Although to be fair, I think he spells it "Blane").

4. Do you look like Andrew McCarthy? Because if you do that's a serious advantage in life and you'd be well-advised to leave Oregon for Hollywood immediately.

5. Did either of these guys play recorder in high school? Maybe clarinet or bassoon? They sound AMAZING, and do you know whether they take requests, because I would love it if they could play "Hot Cross Buns" in the next video?

6. Are you fellas aware that the ram's horn, or shofar, is actually "a musical instrument of ancient origin, made of a horn, traditionally that of a ram, used for Jewish religious purposes," such as to announce holidays?

7. Are you planning a Seder in the refuge's visitor center kitchen, and if so, do you plan to replace the lamb shank on the Seder plate with some Oberto peppered beef jerky you picked up on your trip to the grocery store?

8. Do you find it problematic to be calling Christians into battle using a Jewish musical instrument?

9. Do you worry your battle cry might inadvertently attract unwanted Jews?

10. Did either shofar-blower faint after blowing into it for so long?

11. Did either of these guys practice by fellating one of the many latex dildos sent by supporters prior to recording this shofar-blowing video?

12. DO YOU THINK WRITING A STATUS UPDATE IN ALL CAPS WITH NO COMMAS AND THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS WILL MAKE PEOPLE JOIN YOUR CAUSE FASTER AND WITH HEIGHTENED ENTHUSIASM OR RATHER DO YOU THINK MORE LOGICALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU SOUND STUPID AND DESPERATE?!

13. Did a militia member kill the ram or rams from which these horns came with his bare hands/guns, or did someone send them to you from Costco, either in the same or different package as the dildos and lube?

14. Yesterday on the chairlift, my daughter looked at me, poked her be-gloved index finger at my upper lip, and asked, "Mommy, why do you have a moustache?" Do you know the answer to her question? I guess what I'm asking is: Given that I'm a woman, why do I have a moustache?

15. Do you think #14 is a trick question?

16. Would it surprise you to learn it's not?

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