Friday, August 26, 2016

I Think I Might Already Know These "Secrets of the Male Mind"

I was recently thumbing through a spiral-bound paperback book called "Fundamentals of Avalanche Rescue" at the Juneau Friends of the Library store, but quickly realized I would totally be that person flipping to Figure 6.8 while my friends suffocated in a snow berm. 

So I put that down, and picked this up instead.

Who wouldn't pay at least $4 to "learn the secrets of the male mind" in order to find the Man She Wants and the Love She Deserves? Especially from this non-threatening, well-dressed, perfectly-coifed fit British television personality in a bow tie whose last name rhymes with "pussy?"

I personally don't need a book like this anymore, because I'm a haggard old MILF whose weak AF "F" game is slowly but surely turning me into just a run of the mill "MIL."

Be this as it may, I could have used this book a long time ago, when it would have been useful to know the "secrets of the male mind." Now that I know them, I don't even need them! Ain't that always the way? 

So I'm just gonna go ahead and guess a few of this book's "secrets":

Secret #1: The Man You Want wants you to pretend to love football and eat 8 slices of pepperoni pizza while still being fit and toned. He wants you to be secure enough to gobble down a box of Krispy Kremes and do all the boring shit he likes, and yet still manage to look bangin' in a cocktail dress. 'Nome sayin' ladies? 

Secret #2: The Man You Want wants you to take care of yourself, but not be high maintenance. Like, wear SOME makeup, but not a LOT of makeup. And spend like, 20 minutes getting ready, but not 45. 45 is too many minutes. Dress sexy, but not slutty. Sexy would be like, one of his tee shirts with no pants on. Slutty would be like something you got at Forever 21 and wore to your cousin's bachelorette. There's a difference ladies, c'mon. Don't make The Man You Want explain it to you.

Secret #3: The Man You Want wants you to be smart, but not TOO smart, otherwise it's threatening and bad for his self-esteem.

Secret #4: The Man You Want wants you to be communicative, but not needy. Don't text, call, or email unless he emails, texts, or calls you first. Don't be desperate. Also don't be cold. You need to walk that fine line between desperate and cold that makes you seem both accessible and indifferent. I know. It's hard to explain. But trust me: you'll be alone forever unless you figure it out.

Secret #5: Stop crying. Dear God, STOP FUCKING CRYING. Also: No "state of the union" talks. The Man You Want does not want to have "The Talk." EVER!!!!!!!

Secret #6: Do. Not. Say. "His." Name. Not your ex, not your brother, not your dad. As far as the Man You Want is concerned, he is the first person with a penis ever to appear in your life. Period.

Secret #7: And speaking of periods, don't speak of those. (GROSS). But speaking also of penises, forget eyeliner and push-up bras and perfume and all that consumerist shit that is keeping women enslaved by Sephora and Victoria's Secret. There's no big mystery here. It's: penis + mouth, penis + hand, or (preferably) penis + vagina. The end!

Secret #8: The Man You Want wants you to be nurturing, but not overbearing. Be gentle, but also tough. Be independent (financially and otherwise) but also let him do things for you to make him feel needed. I know, it's all very confusing. BUT TRUST ME YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS TO FIND THE MAN YOU WANT.

Secret #9: Don't be gross. Don't make the Man You Want have to tell you that. Don't burp, fart, or have your period (See #7). You are a woman and therefore were born disgusting. You must slowly and methodically conceal all your levels of disgusting humanity until you become the heroine of a John Hughes movie that the Man You Want has always wanted and deserved. Wait ... weren't we talking about what you always wanted and deserved? Wait. I'm confusing myself now.

I know, I know, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. EXCEPT if the book has a title and cover like this. Then I feel I can act as judge, jury, and executioner. Time of Death: Now.

1 comment:

  1. If you wait a week, that book will be in the dumpster at the back of the building. Many years ago I bought a book with the title, "The Secret of Commodity Trading' and the result was I never did, or ever will, spend another dime on a 'secret' anything (the only exception being, The secret Life of Plants).

    BTW, hilarious riff!

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