Dear Microsoft Outlook Wizard,
It brings me no pleasure to write you this letter. None at all. But enough is enough. Certainly, it pains me to say what I must: Your continued employment on Hogwarts staff--much less faculty tenure--is in serious jeopardy. Frankly, I've got half a mind to contact the Ministry of Magic. At this time, I am beginning to question how in good conscience you can even call yourself a wizard.
Your most recent offense came yesterday, as I was in my office preparing to boot up my Pensieve for a busy workday. I followed all of the proper protocols. I shut down, restarted, clicked every box with my wand, and hit “accept” and “next” multiple times. MULTIPLE times. I tried fifteen different passwords, but not even "Voldemort.10"--my default password for everything including my crappy webmail dummy account on Yahoo that I use to place orders with Ollivanders Wand Shop--could get the bloody thing to work. I even tried a Patronus charm. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch!
Ultimately, I was forced to call Hogwarts IT, but of course was put immediately through to voice mail. I believe they wrote me a "ticket," whatever that is, but Fawkes only knows when they’ll get back to me.
And who is responsible for all of this? Why, your sub-standard wizardry, I'm afraid. Indeed, just this morning, I was fifteen minutes late to a panel meeting with Professors Snape and McGonnagall on a new curriculum for Defense Against the Dark Arts thanks in no small part to your Updates spell.
I simply cannot allow this to continue. Consider this your final warning.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry