Wednesday, January 27, 2016

6 Questions in Pop Music That Make Most Men Cringe IRL

Far be it for me to generalize on the basis of gender, but in my personal experience, there are certain questions that most heterosexual men rarely answer in a manner satisfactory to the woman who is posing the question. 

Here are some examples plucked from recent Top 40 songs. While asking these questions might have earned their female pop singers a small fortune, here's what usually happens when you ask them in real life:

"Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything?"
--Adele, Hello

I have never once had an ex who wanted to  "meet to go over everything," though I'd always be more than happy to do so. This question is better phrased as: "I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to continue to pretend like none of this ever happened, and never see each other in person ever again?" In that case, the answer is almost always, "Yes, please."

"You look like my next mistake. Love’s a game, wanna play?"
--Taylor Swift, Blank Space

Whether they admit it or not, everyone--but everyone--plays games in romance. Accordingly, there's no bigger red flag than the four words "I don't play games" to indicate that the person does, in fact, play many, MANY games. So, points go to Taylor for her honesty. That said, in my experience it's better to just quietly play the game, rather than acknowledge its existence by first asking to play like it was Chutes and Ladders or Connect 4. This is the perfect embodiment of the old adage, "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission."

"After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right. Even if I was wrong, you know I’m never wrong, why disagree? Why, why disagree?"
--Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

This one makes me a little sad, because it plays into that depressing stereotype of women as shrewish battle axes who hold men hostage using sex and blow jobs as ransom. While often true and undoubtedly effective, if you're using these tactics it might be time to re-examine your conformity to gender stereotypes.

"Oh no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside?"
--Katie Perry, Unconditionally

This question falls into the category of "If you have to ask, you'll never know" and/or "Don't bother asking." If you're asking this question, you are involved with someone who has more baggage that O'Hare International Airport and should be in therapy--with a professional. Thus, the answer to this question is probably "yes," and you are two seconds away from being bounced to the curb. 

"And I ask myself, why I’m still here, or where could I go? But I hate you, I really hate you."
--Pink, True Love

Again, by the time you're asking yourself this question, and telling your boyfriend/husband you hate him, maybe it's time to just leave for good, even if you can't figure out where to go.

"Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?"
--Avril Lavigne

There is simply no answer to this depressing, rhetorical question. And once again: if you're asking this question, your relationship is in trouble and you're dealing with some damaged goods. Nothing wrong with damaged goods, btw. As we all know, damaged goods are always the most compelling. But don't ask damaged goods this question because the answer is "I don't know." You'll get a deer in the headlights look, and then you'll get ghosted. Which, in the end, is usually for the best anyway.

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