Sunday, May 10, 2015

25 Weird, True, and Amazing Things About My Mom

1. She subsists almost exclusively on a diet of pistachio nuts, chocolate, and $14 Chardonnay.

2. She understands Yiddish and helped me pass my college calculus class (by one point).

3. She spends hundreds of dollars on a haircut in midtown Manhattan every six weeks, but it makes her look like Annie Lennox, so it's worth it.

4. She still works 80 hours a week, and is going to London with a bunch of girlfriends to party for her 70th birthday next month.

5. She works all over the world and has a strict but very effective "anti-shits" protocol that includes not opening your mouth in the shower in Rwanda.

6. She makes life better for people every day, both as a doctor and a friend.

7. She says "cawfwee" and "tuner fish," so half the people she speaks to in Alaska don't understand what the hell she just said.

8. She puts up with me and my dad.

9. She's short and getting shorter, but bitch still looks great in a bathing suit.

10. On her first visit to Palmer, Alaska: "Ugh. Everyone's white and you can't walk anywhere!"

11. She was an orphan, raised in foster care, her whole biological family was a huge bag of dicks, and she showed them all.

12. She questions the establishment and tells someone to fuck off (metaphorically speaking) at least once a day.

13. She values time, not money, and is generous with both.

14. She kept her last name in 1975.

15. She is a way bigger badass than my dad and they are both OK with that.

16. She's not afraid of a little salmonella, so don't ask her to deep clean anything.

17. If you tell her to make a lasagna for dinner, she will look at you like you just asked her to fly to Mars in a paper airplane.

18. She's a great cook who absolutely refuses to, except on Thanksgiving, and then you best get the fuck out of her way.

19. She lives for cocktail hour.

20. She raised me with complete benign neglect, and I love her for it.

21. She takes my friends out to dinner and will play any game my kids ask her to, including making huge messes that cause me to yell at all of them.

22. She's never home and absolutely impossible to get in touch with, except when you really need to, and then she'll call you the second she's out of this meeting.

23. She loves opera, Bob Dylan, and Ani DiFranco (except for the cursing, which is "jarring").

24. She has no idea what's on TV or even how to turn it on, and still doesn't get how to use 90% of the features on her iPhone.

25. My mom is my hero!

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