Friday, December 1, 2017

White House Counsel Ty Cobb: Future Statement on the Indictment of President Trump

Today’s news indicting President Trump has absolutely nothing to do with President Trump, who remains as committed as ever to Making America Great Again.

The President literally has no idea who he is. He’s never met the guy or spoken to him in person. He talked to himself only briefly over the phone last year for approximately 15 minutes.

As far as we know, this conversation took place while the President was aimlessly wandering the halls of the residential quarters of the roach-infested White House in a silk bathrobe, muttering to himself about the LYING FAILING FAKE NEWS with its TERRIBLE RATINGS and the WITCH HUNT and being treated SO UNFAIRLY by everyone except Sean Hannity and Alex Jones from InfoWars.

The President perhaps also re-tweeted himself on occasion, and may have briefly played a round of golf against himself at Mar-a-Lago. But apart from that, President Trump has little to no relationship with himself, and has long ago distanced himself from himself.

President Trump is a bit player in his own administration, and today’s indictment is reflective of that fact. This indictment—and indeed the Special Counsel’s investigation—is simply an unfortunate distraction from the administration’s main objective of doing what the American People sent President Trump to Washington to do: drain the swamp.

President Trump has had little to no role in fulfilling his campaign promises, and this indictment does nothing to change that fact. He has no idea what he is doing, what he has done, or what he plans to do, and never has.

He is delusional at best and demented at worst. The White House has ordered a psychiatric review and an MRI of his frontal lobe. The results of those evaluations are pending, and we expect them to fully and promptly exonerate President Trump of any reliable cognitive functioning and therefore any wrongdoing. This is called mens rea. It’s a Latin term used frequently in my field.

The person indicted today is a a two-bit real estate developer in office for fewer than 365 days and known for turning everything he touches into a steaming pile of elephant dung. He has no connection whatsoever to the President. 

The President's soul has been safely deposited into seven horcruxes: a toupee, a taco bowl, a golf club, a breast implant, an unsecured Samsung Galaxy Note 7, a KKK hood, and a tacky chandelier hanging in a crumbling hotel lobby in central Moscow.

Please be aware that I have a very distracting mustache and am named after/related to one of the most bigoted athletes ever to wear a baseball glove. 

Um . . . I lost my train of thought. What was I saying?

Photo by: Stephen Voss

Photo: Stephen Voss

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