Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Death of a Salesman

I’m going to rewrite this play for 2017 and call it Death-of-Myself-After-Everyone-I-Meet-Tries-to-Sell-Me-Shit-I-Don’t-Need-or-Want-and-That-Collects-Dust-the-Second-I-Buy-It.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I have tried. But I just can’t deal, and I feel kind of bad because I’m truly not trying to drag anyone’s hobby or business model. But there is a reason I’ve worked in the public sector for almost 20 years. 

I suck at sales, and I am super uncomfortable when people try to sell stuff to me. I don’t need more stuff. I don’t want more stuff. To the contrary, I want to conflagrate at LEAST 75% of the stuff I already have in a controlled burn in the cul-de-sac outside my house, and dance around giddily as I watch it all go up in smoke.

To paraphrase George Carlin and also Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything, I hate stuff
. I hate buying stuff. I hate selling stuff. I hate having stuff sold to me. I hate the stuff I have. I hate the stuff I don’t have. I hate the stuff I don’t know about. I hate the stuff that doesn’t even exist yet.

I even and especially hate selling stuff for my kids’ school or activities fundraisers, which is just as bad in my opinion and is absolute torture. At least then, however, I can force my spawn to troll the halls of my office by themselves and/or go door-to-door with their grubby little palms out for (arguably) a “good cause” or whatever and hope they can skate by on cuteness.

But truth be told, I would way rather just fork over the value of the coffee or wrapping paper or cookie dough or raffle tickets or whatever the fuck it is and be done with all of it immediately in one fell swoop. In fact, I just want the school and activity fundraiser sales tax to be withheld from my paycheck so I can stop thinking about it forever.

Can we do that? Can this please just be part of the tax overhaul maybe? Upon presentation of your kids’ birth certificates to the IRS? Or must we all be salespeople now?

Like I honestly can’t think of a single thing that would ever arrive in the mail or that I would buy in someone’s living room that I want, much less need. Yet these “opportunities” are everywhere. 

Frankly, I am beginning to feel like the last person left on earth who: (a) isn’t leading a direct marketing scheme; (b) isn’t participating in a direct marketing scheme; and/or (c) totally can’t deal with direct marketing schemes.

It’s super awkward, because it forces me to be kind of a dick when I don’t mean to be a dick or want to be one. But I can’t rub peppermint oil on my face and I can’t put special wrinkle creams on it and I don’t need candles that smell like warm vanilla sugar brownies or scarves or health shakes or leggings with floral patterns or any of that shit k thx bye.

I’ve got 99 problems, and wanting to stick my head in an oven over buying and selling stuff to and from everyone I know when I’m not even voluntarily in a store is definitely one of them.

Image result for salesman image

1 comment:

  1. So I'm fairly confidant that I was very unpopular in the Girl Scout office when I suggested to my daughter's troop that cookie selling be optional and that If I made a direct donation to my daughter's troop of a $100 bucks it would be like she sold hundreds of boxes of cookies...


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