Wednesday, December 6, 2017

2 Live Crew Lyrics Rewritten for Woke Hipsters in 2017

The school bus in 6th (?) grade in 1989 was something else, lemme tell you. It seemed like evvveerrry boy had a cassette of 2 Live Crew and was playing it on a boom box, screaming out AH ME SO HORNY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME at the top of their lungs. 

And for better or worse, you just know that shit would NOT fly now. So I rewrote some of 2 Live Crew's lyrics from As Nasty as They Wanna Be for Woke Hipsters in 2017.

There's only one  any number of equally valid ways to have a good time
Fuck that pussy and make it mine patriarchy where the sun don't shine
Figure out what she's into and then sort of like, feel it out, bro.Lay the bitch on the bed, flat on her back
Hold her legs up high, make the pussy splak
You can put her in the buck by sittin' on a sink
Wrap her legs 'round you, now take this DICK!

--Put Her in the Buck

There's only one any number of equally valid places where we can go
Where the price is right just to fuck a ho depending on what you feel like doing
It's always popular with the girls and the guys
Cause for all my money, it's the best buy
Ten dollars, two hours is the time of the stay There's no cover charge
It's more than enough time to slay
Each room has a bed and also a sink This microbrewery has the best BOGO deal
So you can also catch live music there on Wednesdays, I hear. wash your dick after fucking the pink
But be careful of the things that you use
Cause you can get arrested for sex abuse
So as you hit the door and the panties drop
Whole lot of suckin' and fuckin' at the Fuck Shop

--The Fuck Shop

You in my house now, you talkin' all that shit so please, go on. Didn't mean to interrupt.
So get the fuck out, you sorry ass bitch I'm sensing a tension between us right now
You come in my house, eatin' all my shit micro-greens
So get the fuck out, you sorry ass bitch I think we need some space right now?

Get up off yo' ass, and clean up all this shit your collection of Arcade Fire bobbleheads
Look at you, you sorry ass, low-down raggedy bitch you've always looked kind of like my sister. Hahah, I know that sounds kind of weird and random.
You sittin' 'round my house, smokin' all this shit
So get on out my house, you slimy ass bitch I'm wondering if you still have my travel mandolin and that dab rig I loaned you.

--Get The Fuck Out My House

For reals, I want to go to a wedding where 2 Live Crew's "Fuck Shop" is the couple's first dance, because they met at a 2 Live Crew concert. Admit that would be seriously amazing.

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