Sunday, December 24, 2017

More Old Lady Shit Santa is Bringing Me Besides a New Knee in This, My 40th Year

All of this is legit actually shit Santa already brought me, or that I am asking Santa for:

1. A year supply of lime LaCroix

2. New eyeglasses with age and style appropriate frames (prescription pending)

3. More ibuprofen

4. Customized ear plugs

5. Advanced genetic testing

6. Electric blanket

7. Follow-up ultrasound for dense breast tissue

8. Framed collage of the complete collection of my kids’ school pictures

9. Tuition waiver for kiddie sports

10. A big fat tax refund

11. No more pleas from my friends to participate in multi-level marketing scams for scented candles and wrinkle oils

12. Assisted living in the form of my kids actually doing their fucking part around here.

13. The right to take a shit in peace in my own goddamned house

14. World peace. Wait never mind. Will settle for world detente on total assholery

15. Santa to take Trump away in his sled forever after coming down the White House chimney with a halfway normal and unpsychotic President

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