1. You sneak a glance at your partner’s phone when he’s in the bathroom, and notice that your number appears in “recent missed calls” as: First Name: Third String Bitch; Last Name: Bottom Draft Pick.”
2. Your partner told you he was out of town for a work conference, but then you see him out at a party with an attractive woman. When you confront him, he says “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize place mats could talk?”
3. You’re at the movies and suddenly your partner walks in. He sits on top of you, drops a few kernels of buttered popcorn in your hair, turns to the woman next to him and says, “Thanks for saving my seat with your coat.”
4. You wake up one morning and realize that your partner is an actual, literal red flag, and it turns out you’ve just been dry humping a 5x5 polyester/cotton blend bright red cloth rectangle for the past six months.
5. When you try to make future plans, like taking a trip to Hawaii or meeting his parents, he looks at you with a confused expression on his face and tells you that his family would never approve of him dating a free bookmark from Hudson News.
6. You wake up after a night out with a tattoo on your forehead that says “RESERVED” in big black letters, but you don’t remember ever getting a tattoo?
7. Your partner insists on cordoning off your vagina with a velvet rope while he sets forth on an intrepid, Ferdinand Magellan-esque adventure in search of other, better, and heretofore unconquered vaginas.
8. You’re waiting on the subway platform with your partner, when suddenly a gorgeous woman approaches and kisses him on the mouth. He breaks away just long enough to shove you in front of a Brooklyn-bound F train.
9. Every time you try to ghost his ass, he suddenly blows up your phone as if by psychic telepathic magic to tell you how great you are, how much he misses you, and how important you are in his life. Then you go over to his apartment to fuck, but after he nuts in five minutes, he takes you gently by the shoulders, guides you over to a wooden bench by the door with a pile of shoes under it, pats you on the head, kisses you on the tip of your nose, and says “Now just have a seat right here until cobwebs form between your saggy boobs and you die alone, m’kay?”