Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Dudebros Licking Actual Feline Pussycats With a Silicone Tongue is the Zenith of Nope

Guys. Guys guys guys GUYS.

Sometimes a product comes along that is just so unbelievably WTF, it merits a detailed takedown of its fuckery and begs to be dragged into next year. The “LICKI Brush” is one such product, and by all indications, IT IS NOT FAKE NEWS.

“Have you ever wanted to lick your cat?”

This is the first question posed on the LICKI Brush Kickstarter page, and the answer, at least from me, is a NO so loud it would drown out a sonic boom generated by a mushroom cloud over Asia while the entire North Korean navy was in the middle of marching band practice.

Now before you unfairly tar me with the “she-just-hates-cats-and-is-therefore-a-horrible-and-mean-human” LICKI Brush, it’s true that I now hate cats, because they turn my face into a red, swollen, bilious mess of tears, snot, and crusty scabs. Also they are generally mean and ungrateful, and who needs more of what I already have in spades in This Life.

But I grew up with cats, and didn’t always hate them.

First there was Tana and Jerry. Tana had a lot of long hair and was so dumb she would look for bugs after she ate them. When Tana died, we got Marmalade, who at 23 pounds was clinically obese. Unrelatedly, my grandmother was convinced that Jerry and Marmalade were in a May-December homosexual feline relationship.

Then Jerry died of old age, and we got Sergeant Pepper (Pepper for short) who was born with feline AIDS in the back of a bodega and who quickly became Marmalade’s adopted son or perhaps lover, we are not really sure. 

In any event, Marmalade ultimately perished from kidney failure after a round of dialysis (I shit you not) and Pepper finally succumbed to diabetes after years of insulin injections. To say our family was dutiful cat owners would be an understatement, as my parents spared no expense to keep these four shedding messes happy and alive as long as felinely possible.

Sometime in my teens, though, I developed cat allergies so severe that I can no longer go within ten feet of a cat without my whole face exploding unless I have at least three Benadryls on board.

But even in my most cat-friendly days, I don’t think I could or would have put a “high-quality, soft silicone brush, designed to feel pleasurable to [my] cat’s sensitive skin” in my mouth and simulate feline licking behavior. 
Nor would I worry that “as a human,” I would be “left out of the intimate licking ritual” with, “at best, a one-sided licking relationship” with my cat.

It's like, I'm totes good with "at best, a one-sided licking relationship" with an animal, and preferably a zero-sided licking relationship. Indeed, at WORST, I would have a two-sided licking relationship with cat hair.

Using the LICKI Brush is advertised as an “oddly meditative practice” that helps you “develop a deeper relationship with your cat.” 

I can only speak for myself of course, but my idea of an "oddly meditative practice" is eating weed candy and coloring in butterflies with gel pens. Not putting my face into a cat, pretending to lick it with a plastic tongue, and then calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital in anaphylactic shock.

In my own personal experience, cats don’t give a fuck about having a relationship with you, deep or otherwise. They want a clean litter box and a bowl of Fancy Feast, and then you can fuck off to hell as far as they’re concerned. Maybe the LICKI Brush will change thousands of years of feline indifference to humans, but I doubt it.

Regardless, I encourage you to visit the LICKI Brush Kickstarter, because I guarantee that when you watch the videos of the LICKI Brush in action, your craydar will go on red alert. 

The dudebros in these videos look like they just got back from running IT for a Bernie Sanders rally, and here they are licking their cats like a BOSS. You can never unsee this, and will likely need to douse your eyeballs in bleach after you do.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if the dudes who invented LICKI Brush put this much thought, work, and energy into promoting the art of human pussy-licking, they would be millionaires by now and might forget they even have cats.

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