Monday, June 5, 2017

Inspiring! Hero Mom Stays Awake Through All 150 Minutes of Lincoln on Cable After 8:30 p.m.

Wonder Woman might be smashing Box Office records this weekend, but real female superheroes don’t always wear capes.

As luck would have it, they sometimes go commando and braless in Star Wars pajama bottoms from Fred Meyer and a University of Montana Grizzlies T-Shirt.

That’s the main takeaway from one local mother’s unprecedented journey across the space-time continuum to a dimension in which it is possible to stay awake through all 150 minutes of Lincoln, the 2012 American epic historical drama starring Daniel Day-Lewis, despite a start-time on cable of 8:30 p.m. on a random Tuesday.

“Honestly, looking back I don’t know how I did it,” said hero and mom Cindy Jones during a phone interview the following morning. 

“I think it was because I forgot to take my Ambien. But frankly, Lincoln was so fucking boring I shouldn’t have needed it. Still, I felt guilty—like I should learn more about American history even though I’m usually drooling by 9:00 p.m. It just happened to be on, so I decided to make an effort.”

Jones managed to boldly remain conscious where no mother ever has before—lying down on a couch, during any feature-length film that begins on television after 8:00 p.m.—much less Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln.

Breaking new ground, both of Jones' eyes were 100% open through the raucous, 13th Amendment Congressional debate scene with Tommy Lee Jones, and also that one part where Sally Field yells at Lincoln near a log-fire in the White House right before he tells William Henry Seward (played by David Strathairn) to tap some executive orders out on a Morse Code telegram type machine or some shit.

“I can’t believe they did all of this without electricity,” Jones remarked to no one in particular, and—miraculously—while fully alert.

“God, life back then was like being on a camping trip 24/7, even for the President of the United States. What a shit show! Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute though.”

If only more mothers could manage to stay awake through Lincoln at night on cable, maybe Trump wouldn’t be President RN.

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