Wednesday, June 7, 2017

10 Steps to a Bikini-Ready Body (in Alaska)

1. Look at calendar on iPhone, take stock of fact that it's June. Look at weather in Juneau and see this:

2. Go online to bank account and Alaska Airlines mileage account in an attempt to determine if it is at all feasible to go anywhere that would require (or even permit) a one-piece bathing suit (much less a bikini) within next 6 months.

3. Get naked in front of full-length mirror. Examine black, raging 70s bush rapidly approaching knees. Return to bank account and calendar to do financial and timing feasibility study of two-hour long waxing appointment.

4. Remain naked in front of mirror. Squeeze fat rolls on abdomen with increasing self-hatred and despair. Google P-90X

5. Resolve to Own Your Truth
 and Love Yourself™ on Your Body Journey, and not capitulate to Society's Unrealistic and Misogynistic Standards of Beauty.

6. Go online again. Shop for bikini that would best achieve a Bold Feminist Statement
 by triumphantly showcasing fat rolls and three satellite bushes emerging from both sides and the top of the bottom piece.

7. Open Twitter, see this:

8. Resolve to do everything in your power to eliminate any common ground between you, Ivanka Trump, and Morgan Kline (whoever that is).

9. In service of #8, immediately unfollow Ivanka Trump HQ on Twitter because you have enough schadenfreude and negative energy in your life as it is.

10. Resign yourself to the fact that bikinis have taken their rightful place among LSD, whippets, 69s, and child-free/car seat-free road trips on the long and growing list of Things You Will Never Do Again

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