Friday, June 2, 2017

Trump is Gonna Own This Handshake Game if the Whole Goddamned World has to Burn!

Zut Alors!

If the failing, lying, enemy FAKE NEWS Washington Post is to be believed, it seems Donald Trump's egg-shell fragile masculinity and paper-thin ego will be what dooms humanity to a drought-plagued, fiery extinction and burial at ever-rising sea.

You see, President Macron made the mistake of trying to best Trump at handshaking and then talking smack about it. You wouldn't think this would dictate the President of the United States' major international decisions, but you would be wrong!

Indeed, by some reports, Macron's alpha-grip was the final affront that led to Vladimir Cheetos' controversial decision to join Nicaragua and Syria in rejecting the only . . .  um . . . handshake deal with a prayer of taking earth off life support.

When the question is: "what will cause Trump to recklessly leverage the future of the Republic he's been entrusted to protect," the unequivocal answer, naturally, is an insult to his tiny hands. 

Here are some other diplomatic tools in Trump's arsenal, which you can expect to make or break his future decisions on acts of war and diplomacy:
  • Thumb wrestling
  • Arm wrestling
  • Dick measurement
  • Wedgies
  • Swirlies 
  • Rat tails
  • Locker room talk
SIGH. If only Planet Earth were a pussy. Then maybe Trump would just want to grab it and buy it some jewelry, instead of torching it and everyone who lives on it into cosmic dust.

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