Thursday, June 29, 2017

5 Self Care Tips for Your Lady Parts Now that Congress Has Told Them to Shrivel Up and Die

The “self-care” trend could not have come at a better time. 

The President of the United States is tweeting about a television journalist’s sanity, low IQ, and her bleeding face-lift. Meanwhile, an all-penis-having cabal of Congressmen is poised to snatch health insurance from millions, thereby indirectly murdering innocent American citizens for the sole purpose of obliterating a black man’s legacy while giving their corporate overlords a giant tax break. 

In short, there’s no better time than now to take control of your health! 

Here are five tips for self-care now that Congress is poised to make sure your lady parts shrivel the fuck up and die if they have anything to say about it!

1. Breast Cancer:
Get in the shower and press your fingers in concentric circles around your breasts, working outward from the nipple, feeling for lumps. If you find one, just ignore it and pray it’s a dried-up milk duct or an ingrown hair because guess what? You don’t have health insurance and chemo is expensive!

2. Birth Control: Who needs birth control? The pilgrims who built this great nation did fine without it, and so will you. Anyway, do you really expect the rest of hard-working America to subsidize your ho-game, you entitled slut? I don’t think so. Viagra will totally still be covered though, so a 75 year old man with a rock-hard dick can rape you, evade prosecution, and you’ll be forced to have his baby because no abortions. Yay!

3. Postpartum Depression: Got those baby blues? We all know depression and mental illness is just a bunch of hysterical made-up craziness, so if you’re feeling sad, try calling a friend or family member or indulge in a scoop of your favorite ice cream. Maybe post something on social media about how life is meaningless, even/especially with a brand new infant. Failing that, swallow a bottle of Tylenol or jump out a window. Don’t forget to leave a note that says you would have gotten help if you could’ve afforded it! That’ll show ‘em!

4. Heart Disease: Heart disease is the leading cause of death among women in the United States. That’s why it’s important to eat right, stay fit and healthy, and never get heart disease even if you do all of that, because it’s super expensive to go to a cardiologist. One day you will drop dead on the treadmill and that’s just how the cookie crumbles! We all have to go someday, right?

5. Asthma: Meditation and deep breathing exercises are great for asthma and other respiratory woes when you can’t get your insurance to cover your inhaler anymore. Who needs western medicine when you can just relax and breathe through the suffocation. It's all in your head, as opposed to your constricting bronchial tubes. Harness the positive energy of the universe and ignore that tightening in your chest. It’s just the toxins leaving your body.


  1. Over of your best, though I did appreciate your message to your lady parts about that new baby idea.

  2. One of your best, though I did appreciate your lecture to your lady parts about that new baby idea.


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