Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Actually, the "Real Problem" is Maroon 5 and Shirts Without Shoulders

In these troubling times, everyone keeps debating what the "real problem" is. The "real problem" is fascism. The "real problem" is not understanding the white working class. The "real problem" is white privilege. The "real problem" is corporate personhood. The "real problem" is millennials. The "real problem" is the economy. The "real problem" is climate change. The "real problem" is fake news. The "real problem" is the internet. The "real problem" is social media. The "real problem" is Hillary and/or Bernie and/or Congress and/or the Republicans and/or the Democrats and/or Paul Ryan.

BORING! And also, as our President would say, WRONG! The "real problem" is Maroon 5 and shirts with the shoulders cut out of them. 

The success of Maroon 5 and its lead singer, Adam Levine, has long been a personal bugaboo and subject of much consternation and analysis on this blog. 

Like the time I wrote about how Adam Levine and Maroon 5 crashing my wedding would be my worst nightmare. Or the time I wondered whether Andy Grammer was a contender to unseat Adam Levine as the King of All Douches. Or the time before that when I said Adam Levine was the number one most douchealicious celebrity ever. Or that other time when I said the song "summer" hurt my ears like a mothafuckah.

The fact that Maroon 5 continues to release hit after hit despite being the most terrible, God-awful, cloying and deeply insufferable band ever to emerge in the 21st Century tells us clearly what the "real problem" is with the direction America is headed.

It's fucking Maroon 5.

The second "real problem" is shirts with the shoulders cut out of them. I've noticed these shirts popping up with increasing frequency, so far only on women. The first time I saw one, I was at a trampoline park with my kids, and my only thought was, "that one kid's babysitter is missing part of her shirt and she's jumping on a trampoline anyway." 

Since then, I have seen shirts with the shoulders cut out of them absolutely everywhere, as if all of female-kind is suddenly paying collective homage to Swiss cheese and I just haven't gotten the memo that this is now a Thing We Must Do.

Have you no decency?! And by decency, I don't mean you're showing too much skin. I mean it is logically indecent to wear a shirt with no shoulders AND sleeves. It's like, pick one or the other. If you don't need sleeves, you don't need sleeves. You don't need SOME sleeves and then SOME not sleeves. I get that it's supposed to be sexy, but seriously it's just stupid. Admittedly, the line between sexy and stupid can be a fine one, but shirts without shoulders fall squarely on the latter end of that line. That's a fact, not an alternative fact. Shirts without shoulders are the "real problem." 

It's time to RISE UP, America. #ResistMaroon5 and #ResistShirtsWithoutShoulders.

Image result for shoulder cut out shirt

Maroon 5, 2011.jpg


  1. Did you watch the entire series of Californication? Because I just heard Charlie Runkle saying "mothafuckah" in my head! And, it made me smile. Those shirts. Yeah. Saw a girl in Court Admin with one on today. But I'm parting ways with you on Adam Levine. Just am.

  2. Jeezus you young people. I have absolutely have no clue as to what the fuck this post is about.

    1. The whole post made me laugh. Your comment was dessert!


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