According to the most read article in the Alaska Dispatch today, the Discovery channel is back in Alaska searching for "authentic" Alaska-based reality TV that's "more 'Making a Murderer' and less 'Duck Dynasty.'" Well have I got the project for them!
I've already proposed Real Housewives of Alaska, which never really got off the ground for some reason, but I promise that Making Murderers Out of the Real Hippies of Downtown Juneau and Douglas will be a ratings BONANZA.
The show will center on a tight-knit group of 30 and 40-something hobby bloggers (COUGH COUGH) and artists who work in state government, environmental science and conservation, forestry, fisheries, midwifery, and the like. Each episode will feature a different situation in which a typically docile downtown Juneau or Douglas hippie is transformed into a metaphorical murderer, or even a literal one. Who knows! This is reality TV! Anything can happen!
Look, I already have the first five pilot episodes all fleshed out:
Episode 1: "Leaf Me Alone!": Two families of downtown Juneau and Douglas hippies challenge one another to a ski pole duel in the icy parking lot over the last electric car plug-in power station at Eaglecrest on a powder day.
Episode 2: "Minted": This episode tracks a foodie and doula who spends an entire morning driving to every grocery store in town looking for fresh mint for a curry recipe, and when she finally gets skunked at Rainbow Foods, weeps in the vitamin aisle over the price of Fenugreek.
Episode 3: "Ski Swap Mayhem": Three dads wait in line all morning and tune each other up over the last available pair of skis and boots that would fit a five year-old girl.
Episode 4: "Rainy Sunday": 15 minutes of static, followed by an adult co-ed intramural hockey game at Treadwell Ice Arena in which several players suffer pulled ligaments and concussions due to overly-aggressive play and trash talking.
Episode 5: "Conscientious Objectors": A small group of parents and children bundled in fleece stand outside on the Capitol steps rallying for education reform while exchanging dagger-eyes with rail belt legislators going out for steak and king crab at the Baranof on Exxon's dime.
Discovery Channel: CALL ME!