Thursday, January 19, 2017

And Now Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You to Shove a Jade Egg Up Your "Yoni"

If it's two topics that make for easy laughs, it's Gwyneth Paltrow and vaginas, so their combination is irresistible. And since I always like to take the easy way out, I had to follow up on a tip from a reader about these jade "eggs" that Gwyneth wants you to shove up your vajizzle, or "yoni."

Frequent readers of this blog know that all I wanted for Christmas last year was a novelty wax model of Gwyneth Paltrow's decapitated head in a Fed-Ex box from the movie Seven, and also her medical license when she claimed underwire bras cause breast cancer.

When I'm not busy dragging Gwyneth for her First World juice cleanses and wood-fired pizza ovens, I'm surfing her weekly lifestyle blog to: address "the insidious yeast infection we all have and how to treat it"; research "floral tinctures for 6 ailments"; and shop for an "Alix Soft Flap Clutch" by Philip Lim for $895 (STEAL!)

Thus, I am now compelled to tell you about "Jade Eggs for Your Yoni," another nugget of crackpot women's health advice from a person who gets paid millions of dollars a day simply for existing.

Someone named "Shiva Rose" got Gwyneth's attention and now she is selling this for $66.00 on her website:
Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity, harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Jade eggs’ power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for detox, too. “This particular jade, nephrite jade, has incredible clearing, cleansing powers,” says Shiva Rose; “It’s a dark, deep green and heavy—it’s a great stone for taking away negativity—and it’s definitely the one to start with.” (Read the whole story—plus a Q&A with Shiva Rose herself—here.) Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general. Shiva Rose has been practicing with them for about seven years, and raves about the results; we tried them, too, and were so convinced we put them into the goop shop.
So what if shoving an egg-shaped rock up your vagina like it was a reverse cloaca built into a Chinese pea hen sculpture has been debunked by at least one gynecologist with decades of medical training and experience as "a bad idea?" One that literally could not possibly do a single one of the things it claims to do?

As the reader who tipped me off stated, "this needs O.H.M. discussion." Boy does it ever.

According to Shiva Rose, the jade egg enthusiast who "convinced" Gwyneth to tighten up her pelvic floor, her snatch, and her O-Game with a lump of quartz/jade, here's what you should do when you first get your egg. 

I am highlighting the most important parts of these instructions so you don't miss them. Using this egg is like putting together a couch from Ikea. One false move and the whole thing falls apart! Some of you have asked, and these instructions come straight via copy/paste from Shiva and Gwyneth themselves. They are NOT FAKE NEWS!
When you first get your egg, boil it for a few minutes to make sure it’s clean. It’s your sacred space, so it’s like making sure your feet are clean when you enter a temple. For me, it’s not just about physical cleansing—you can put it out under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it like a crystal, or you could burn sage—the egg does absorb energy, so really clearing it when you first get it is a great thing to do. 
Before I insert an egg, I’ll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg. 
Then I think it’s important to set an intention, as you would in meditation, before putting the egg in. It’s first and foremost about clearing energy and cleansing, so your intention could be about releasing past relationships, or medical issues, childbirth—anything. 
Specific instructions come with each egg, explaining exactly how to insert it: Use your finger, and don’t get discouraged—remember, it’s a practice. If you stand up and the egg falls out, don’t worry—it’s totally normal. It’s recommended that you start with a medium-size egg, which is heavier. I can only use the medium lying down; I can sleep with it, or I just do the practice lying down. The smaller size is for standing up, but most experts say it’s important to start with the harder one, which is the medium.
Always wrap the egg in silk, keep it clean, and store it on an altar—it should take a sacred place in your life.
So. Many. Questions:

1. What if the egg arrives on the night of a crescent moon? Do you have to wait until a full moon to use it?

2. If the egg absorbed energy from the Fed-Ex distribution center in Lexington, KY, would that necessarily be something you'd want to boil out of the egg, or is that the kind of energy you would want to retain in the egg and NOT boil out of it prior to use?

3. What if you don't have silk and only have like, say, American Girl Doll Bitty-Baby (TM) pants made out of a mix of cotton and synthetic fabrics to wrap your egg in? Will it still work? 

4. Same question about the sage and the altar and the burning. What if you only have rotten cilantro and a cigarette/joint lighter on a coffee table? Will all that work just as well?

5. If it's a "strictly guarded Chinese secret," why are the Chinese only now just telling us about it? Did you consider that perhaps something suspicious is happening with Donald Trump and Chinese trade and it's messing up everyone's chi?

6. With respect to setting an intention, could the intention be to NOT put a rock in your vagina, but maybe use a more traditional and perhaps animate object like, say, a few fingers or a penis (if available?) Also, what if you accidentally set your intention AFTER you put the egg in? Do you have to start over?

7. Do you have to use the word "yoni?" What if it reminds you of that Greek singer, Yanni, which doesn't really get your motor running as Yanni is not typically in your "slideshow?"

8. If you're having trouble inserting the jade egg, can you use a regular egg from the refrigerator, or does that defeat the purpose of the whole exercise?

9. If the egg falls out when you stand up, as you have warned could happen and is "totally normal," should you bother trying to get it back in, or should you just go back to the "totally normal" tried and true masturbation techniques of, say, humping a pillow or a vibrator like you've done your whole life since you discovered you had a clit?

10. Given their remarkable healing powers, will jade eggs now be replacing reproductive health services previously covered by the Affordable Care Act, and also all of science in general?

Asking for a friend.

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