Wednesday, April 15, 2015

All I Want for Christmas is a Novelty Wax Model of Gwyneth Paltrow's Decapitated Head in a Fed-Ex Box

Now before you judge me as sick and depraved, let me just say that the main reason I want this is because as I've said before, I live on the real-life set of the movie Seven starring Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and Kevin Spacey as a creepy serial killer (is there any other kind?) who has Gwyneth Paltrow's head delivered in a Fed-Ex box to Brad at the end of the movie. 

And just like in Seven, it rains in dreary, gray sheets almost all day, every day, all year long here in Juneau. So it's completely necessary that I have this prop to complete the mise en scene.
 

The second reason I want a novelty wax model of Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a Fed-Ex box is because after Kim Kardashian and Lena Dunham, Gwyneth Paltrow is the world's most loathsome celebutante. 

From her (organic) ham-fisted attempt to grandstand by buying kale and brown rice with Food Stamps, to her odious "lifestyle" website aimed at the Top 1% of lifestyles, to her "conscious uncoupling" from pasty, walking barbiturate Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, to the fact that her greatest onscreen acting achievement was the scene where her decapitated head was in a Fed-Ex box in Seven, Gwyneth is the worst, and I want to feed her wax head a 12-piece Chicken McNuggets and regular coke every single day.

I want--nay--NEED a novelty wax model of Gwyneth Paltrow's decapitated head in a Fed-Ex box for Christmas. Or since I'm Jewish and don't actually celebrate Christmas, I want it for Hannukah. But "all I want for Hannukah is a novelty wax model of Gwyneth Paltrow's decapitated head in a Fed-Ex box" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
 

Readers, take note!




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