Friday, October 9, 2015

This Song is Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker

Regular readers of this blog know that my contempt for Maroon 5 and Adam Levine runs deep and strong, and I've written no shortage of hate-posts on this band. 

Like the time I wrote about how Adam Levine and Maroon 5 crashing my wedding would be my worst nightmare. Or the time I wondered whether Andy Grammer was a contender to unseat Adam Levine as the King of All Douches. Or the time before that when I listed Adam Levine as the number one most douchealicious celebrity of all time.

So I was pretty surprised when I heard a Maroon 5 song come on the radio that I actually enjoyed, for the sole reason that it appeared to deliver as promised. 

I immediately recognized the auto-tuned, re-mixed, over-processed man-crooning and three chord progression, of course. But it was the lyrics that really resonated:

"THIS SONG IS GONNA HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, FUCKAHHHHHH!" Oh the radio kinda tried to bleep it out, but I know the F-word when I hear it, so there was no fooling me.

Then I was like, YES. Finally! A Maroon 5 song that explains exactly what it does! But then I got home and Googled the lyrics, and discovered that the song was just another canned hit about a summer fling with a dumb slut, and the word "song" was actually "summer."

It was all about how the summer was gonna hurt like a motherfucker (fuckaahhh) because a girl who "never posts anything deep" and whose "mind is not sharp as all her diamonds" had somehow captured the attention of Adam Levine. And even though she's "dancing on a fool like she's seventeen and cool," she remains irresistible to Public Douchenemy #1.

Thus my brief moment of appreciation for Maroon 5's self-awareness evaporated when I discovered that the song--which does indeed hurt like a motherfucker to listen to--turned out not to know it after all.

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