Friday, April 22, 2016

How Could I Have Missed It? Adult Coloring is the Work of the DEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!

Thank GOD a good friend of mine was paying attention to Satan's latest doings, because she sent me a link to this blog, which argues that adult coloring books are part of a secret Satanic plot.

The post, entitled "Adult Coloring Books and Mandalas, a Warning for Christians" is written by a blogger called "The Last Hiker." Mr. (Or Ms.?) Hiker's previous post was about how Do Terra essential oils were "occult multi-level marketing," which I kind of agree with, because all of that shit makes me sneeze and gives me a rash, and yet my friends keep trying to sell it to me.

But back to the mandalas. 

Mr. Hiker tells a story about a friend of his--"one of the godliest people [he] know[s]" and who is NOT "a crunchy new-ager" (emphasis in original)--who innocently gave him an adult coloring book. Mr. Hiker doesn't have a problem with coloring books per se, but he DOES have a problem with "mandalas," which "happen to be a part of most of these adult coloring books." (emphasis in original). Apparently, mandalas (Fig. 1) are very dangerous, and Mr. Hiker is giving "a stern warning to [his] sweet Christian friends to stay away from mandalas."


Because "focusing on mandalas is a spiritual practice where you merge with 'deities'," which in turn "opens the door to demons," and "[w]hen you think about how our brains zone out when we color anyways [sic.], this makes it even more interesting," Mr. Hiker helpfully Godsplains.

You see, mandalas are basically "upside down crosses and swastikas." They are "a receptacle for 'deities' and 'universal forces'" who are "knocking on the door of a false temple." They "are not just pretty shapes and designs." Mr. Hiker's "question when it comes to the whole adult coloring books [sic.] is this: is it really about coloring, or is it really about spiritual hosts of wickedness sneaking mandalas into our homes and into our subconscious minds?" (emphasis in original).

Excellent question, Mr. Hiker! The answer is yes. Unequivocally, YES. I can't believe I missed this. Adult coloring books--which readers of this blog know I very much enjoy--are the work of the devil. I'd even go a step further and argue that the problem goes beyond mandalas, because I've colored zero mandalas, and yet the devil's game is clearly afoot in my home. 

Here are five things that recently happened to prove as much:

1. A colleague tried to both mansplain AND whitesplain Prince to me at the exact same time on Facebook, accusing me of being self-congratulatory and trying to "establish myself" as a "woke ally" at the expense of Prince's artistic merits. When in fact, the point I was making had nothing do to with Prince (or me, for that matter), and everything to do with the completely obvious (and I would think uncontroversial) fact that many white people very clearly want to pretend Prince wasn't black in order to make themselves comfortable and convince themselves that racism is over.

2. While backing down the driveway, Geoff popped a tire on our 2005 Honda Pilot and blamed me. Then he proceeded to lecture me--a captive audience in the passenger seat--for 20 minutes, despite the fact that I was not, in fact, driving.

3. Alder pollen and cottonwood pollen exist.

4. The Facebook ad gnomes suggested I join a class action lawsuit over an anti-psychotic drug that causes man boobs, despite the fact that I am not a man, do not take an anti-psychotic, and while I do have boobs, I would like to keep them under ideal circumstances and don't believe I have much of a cause of action in court over their existence.

5. Mr. Hiker used the word "anyways," and only Satan could let that happen.

Mr. Hiker is definitely onto something. The devil is here, and his name is Adult Coloring Book. Time to throw all of mine away.

Fig. 1: Mandala

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