Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I Wish I Had More Information About Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders

One important issue that's getting far too little attention these days is whether Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton is more awesome or sucks harder than the other, and vice-versa. 

No matter where I look, I just can't seem to find ANY information on which of these two white geezers would make a better presidential nominee and possibly president. It's like the internet and social media are a total black hole on this topic, and not a single talking head, Twitter user, Facebook poster, or pundit wants to say anything about it.

For example, when I type "Bernie and Hillary" into Google, I only get 127,000,000 results, and I feel like the 127,000,001st result is probably the one I am looking for. That's the one that's going to tell me whether Hillary Clinton is a lying, deceitful, opportunistic, racist, carpetbagging corporate grandma who only rode the NYC subway once in her life for a photo op, or the most qualified, dignified, effective stateswoman ever to seek and historically maybe even attain the Oval Office. 

Surely the 127,000,001st result I click on will tell me whether Bernie Sanders is the savior of democracy and the harbinger of a new American revolution that will ultimately turn the United States into one big unicorn ranch and weed farm, where you can get free colonoscopies every year and Harvard finances your kid's college degree on a zero-interest loan backed with bitcoin. Or else it will tell me that he's just another unrealistic, eccentric, cranky old poser with spinal stenosis and precancerous moles who listens to Bob and Ray, thinks the subway still takes tokens, and sounds exactly like my dad. 

Either way, I will have my answer.

There are simply not enough people expressing their opinions on these questions, and there's just like this total apathy and disinterest in who would make the better candidate and why. The last time I felt the bern I had a yeast infection, and the last time I said "I'm with her" I was trying to sneak into Star Wars: the Force Awakens using my mom's senior discount.

If only I had just a little more information about these two, I'm certain I'd be able to make up my mind--which, by the way, is a crucial predicate to ensuring that either of them ultimately gets the nomination and/or wins the presidency.

I called my parents--who still live in New York City and are very well-acquainted with the subway--for help, but they were predictably useless. One had voted for Hillary and the other for Bernie (I won't say which), thus cancelling out each other's votes and sending the whole world--especially me--back into this horrible, untenable Bernie v. Hillary information vacuum.


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