Saturday, April 16, 2016

A Conversation Between My Body and Antihistamines

AH: Here I come to save the day! 25 mg of medicine is on its waaaaayyyy!!! Allow me to adjust my cape before I begin my highly effective work!
MB: I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?
AH: Um ... well as I said, I'm 25 mg of antihistamine, and I'm here to stop your hives, your eczema, and your sneezing, coughing, wheezing, and dripping snot and tears from your face.
AH: What's so funny?
MB: What's so funny? What's so funny is that you might as well be 25 mg of Sour Patch Kids for all I care.
AH: What do you mean?
MB: Let me spell it out for you. I don't give two shits if you're Zyrtec, Allegra, Benadryl, Claritin, or something else. I don't care if you're drowsy or non-drowsy. I don't give a fuck if you're here to deal with cat dander, dog hair, guinea pig fur, grass, dust mites, down feathers, mold, cottonwood pollen, alder pollen, or any other kind of pollen. You're not gonna do JACK SHIT up in here.
AH: But you take me all day, every day! How can your face STILL be a red, swollen faucet of snot and sad?
MB: That's a great fucking question, genius! Why don't you go ask Big Pharma and that smiling woman on the commercial who one second is dying, and the next has her hive-free face happily buried in a giant bouquet of tulips like it ain't no thing. 
AH: OK, I'll just be going now. I'll show myself out through your urine stream. By the way, I am technically supposed to be non-drowsy, but you just swallowed 5 of my friends so no guarantees there.
MB: What? Sorry, I fell asleep there for a second....

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