Friday, April 29, 2016

Uninterrupted Basic Activities of Daily Living that I Never Thought I'd Miss After Having Kids

Before I had kids, it did not remotely occur to me that ALL of my basic activities of daily living would--without exception--be regularly interrupted for the indefinite future. Now that my kids are 8 and 5, I know better. So I'm settling in for the long haul and trying to get into "cherish-these-precious-and-fleeting times" mode. It's not always easy to do that though when you're dealing with lack of the following:

1. Uninterrupted Sleep: This is one people actually tell you about (the others not as much). From day 1 of parenting you're losing sleep, and the sleep debt just keeps getting bigger. Now instead of waking up at 1:47 a.m. so a baby can gnaw on my tits until they bleed, I just literally get kicked out of my own bed.

2. Uninterrupted Bathroom Use: The bathroom is like a sort of domestic Green Zone. There's a general expectation that you're not to be fired upon, but it's rarely heeded. So you basically get a lighter version of the usual heavy artillery. I don't think I make it through a single week without being barged in on in the bathroom, whether I'm doing real business in there or simply just hiding. The kids are onto the fact that I sometimes do the latter. Accordingly, the other day they stormed in just as I was settling into a juicy profile of Paul McCartney in the New Yorker, and asked me to settle a squabble over an empty shoebox. An. Empty. Fucking. Shoebox.

3.  Uninterrupted Intimacy: Nothing brings a couple closer together than having children. That bond, that feeling that the two of you are doing something so amazing as ONE. It really takes your affection for one another to the next level. HAHAHAHA! PSSSSYYYYYYCCCHHH! The one thing kids give zero fucks about is whether their parents get any sleep (see #1 above), so they certainly don't care that they're turning them into mortal enemies who are running through the day on fumes, fighting over everything from oil changes to pistachio shells. A Marvin Gaye LP record it is not.

4. Uninterrupted Meals: I don't think I've had a single, complete meal sitting down in my house in 8 years. No really. I'm not kidding. And when I am sitting down, I spend the whole time yelling at my kids to do the same.

5. Uninterrupted Sentences: Here's MOMMY MOMMY DADDY what MOOM I JUST HAVE TO SAY this sentence would look like IT'S JUST ONE QUICK THING IT'S SUPER IMPORTANT if I was saying it out loud to you I PROMISE IT'S IMPORTANT. I NEED TO GET PINK TISSUE PAPER!! while on the phone or MOMMY MOMMY DADDY DADDY driving in a car with you.

For realsies tho. #Cherishing.

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