Thursday, April 21, 2016

Aaaaaaand Now Facebook Thinks I Have Man Boobs and Should Sue Somebody Over Them

OK people. So this is SUPES disturbing, and that's saying a lot when you're talking about the (supposedly targeted) Facebook ads that pop up in your newsfeed.

I've had ads for KY Jelly, feminist T-shirts, maxipads with wings, and granny panties, which I guess makes sense given how often I type the word "vagina" on here. But this is the first time Mark Zuckerberg's team of tech bro ad gnomes suggested that I join a class action lawsuit over . . . wait for it . . . MAN BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to "learn more!" and take the "FREE [sic.] evaluation" soooooo badly, but resisted for fear that doing so would trigger an ungodly onslaught of similar entreaties. So I decided to write my own evaluation instead, by pretending I could guess what was in the real one. It took some Googling, but here are the 12 questions I came up with:

Q: Are you cray?
A: If by "cray" you mean "crazy," then yes. Yes I am.


Q: But are you SUPES cray?
A: Well, like anti-depressant cray. Not, like, anti-psychotic cray, which I just found out Risperdal is.

Q: If you joined this lawsuit, what would you do with the $40 check that would be the sum total of your class action payout?
A: Donate it to the Man Boobs Awareness Foundation of America and/or launch a fashion line of designer man bras with Hulk Hogan as the spokesmodel.

Q: What is the scientific name for man boobs?
A: That's easy. Gynecomastia.

Q: What is the scientific name for the man boobs sex move analogous to "California Muscle Fuck" (where a man puts his dick between his bae's boobs and jizzes on them in the classic "pearl necklace").
A: "South Dakota Gynecomastia Fuck," where a woman humps her bae's man boobs.

Q: Do you think Big Pharma secretly and intentionally made man boobs a side effect of Risperdal to drive men more crazy, so that they would keep buying this anti-cray medicine?
A: Yes, definitely.

Q: What is the Federal Rule of Civil Procedure governing class actions and what are the four requirements for maintaining a class?
A: Um, Rule 23. DUH. Numerosity, commonality, typicality, and adequacy of representation. Who da fuck you think you triflin' with? I did not come to play with you 'hos.

Q: According to the internet, who are the top five celebrities "sporting a nice set of man boobs," or "moobs?"
A: BIll Parcells, Denzel Washington, Steven Tyler, Jon Travolta, and Jack Nicholson.

Q: Do you think those are the same five people who "liked" this Facebook ad about man boob litigation?
A: OMG. Defs.

Q: In addition to taking Risperdal for schizophrenia, what is the best way to acquire a bangin' set of moobs?
A: Lift weights in your 20s and 30s until you look like a steroid-addled Superman for five years, and then suddenly stop forever.

Q: Are you a man?
A: No.

Q: Do you have boobs?
A: Yes.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU MAYBE JUST WON $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS!


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