Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Please Let Rush Limbaugh Be Right About Lesbian Farmers "Attacking" America

Human ham sandwich and sweat-drenched, tin foil-hat wearing, Oxy-gobbling hobgoblin Rush Limbaugh this week accused President Obama of recruiting lesbian farmers to "attack" rural areas of the country, and all I can say is Rush had better be right! 

Referring to a federal program that gives rural housing loans to farmers and happened to also be discussed at a recent LGBT summit in Iowa, the jowly, glazed Oscar Meyer bologna foreskin rind had this to say between puffs of Cuban cigar:
Have you heard about the agriculture department's financial grants to lesbian farmers? You think I'm making this up? See, this is how they do it. Rural America happens to be largely conservative. Rural America is made up of self-reliant, rugged individualist types. They happen to be big believers in the Second Amendment. So here comes the Obama Regime with a bunch of federal money and they're waving it around, and all you gotta do to get it is be a lesbian and want to be a farmer and they'll set you up. I'm like you; I never before in my life knew that lesbians wanted to be farmers. I never knew that lesbians wanted to get behind the horse and the plow and start burrowing. I never knew it. But apparently enough money can make it happen, and the objective here is to attack rural states. They're already attacking suburbs . . . They never stop, folks. They are constantly on the march.
OMG. PLEASE LET THIS SLEEPER CELL OF CORN AND SOYBEAN-GROWING LESBIAN ISIS RECRUITS BE REAL! There are SO many reasons I want the country to be invaded by lesbian farmers, it's hard to count them all, but here are a few:

1. I love lesbians and I love farmers, so suffice it to say I love lesbian farmers even more.

2.  Lesbians can fix everything, espesh farm equipment, Apple TV, and probably Second Amendment equipment too, so they are like, totes handy around the farm and will be suuuupes useful in the Zombie Apocalypse when we will all have to grow our dumplings from seeds and shit like that. "Self-reliant?" "Rugged?" Check aaaaaaand check!

3.  Lesbians drive Subarus (usually stick shift--bad ass!) which I can tell you from personal experience are like, the best cars ever. Plus, they always have Ani DiFranco or the Indigo Girls playing on their car stereo and in the fields while plowing.

4. Lesbians are amazeballs at gardening, and will make you a sustainable rooftop garden in Park Slope or the Mission District in like, ten seconds flat! Imagine what they would do with hundreds of acres? Kale and kolrabi salad for days, bitchez!

Clearly, the only lesbians Rush Limbaugh knows personally are straight strippers pretending to be lesbians, because real lesbians TOTALLY want to "get behind the horse and the plow and start burrowing." Rush, what are you even talking about, bruh? 

I feel bad for Rush, since he probably needs Cialis to "get behind the horse and the plow and start burrowing" himself, but that's another reason lesbians (especially lesbian farmers) are sorely needed to mend the tattered fabric of America. They don't need Viagra, and they definitely don't need Rush (or anyone with his equipment) for a roll in the hay.

Three cheers for the impending American lesbian farmer invasion! March on, ladies. March on!

Image result for female farmer
Photo: Grist.org

No comments:

Post a Comment