Saturday, May 23, 2015

I Just Found My Next Career!

Alaska is approaching a "fiscal cliff" with a currently unfunded operating budget. As a result, a large percentage of the state's workforce, myself included, stands to lose their jobs (hopefully temporarily) unless our legislators can quit wagging their dicks at each other long enough to do their jobs by July. 

But personally, I don't care anymore if our legislature funds fertilizer plants and lines Exxon's pockets instead of giving my kids their constitutionally mandated public education and letting The Poors get a colonoscopy once a year. 

Because as Dave Chappelle would say, I'm gonna be RICH BEEEEOTCH!!!

A friend just hipped me to a new career/golden parachute, and it's amazing. Drum roll please . . . DINOSAUR EROTICA! 

Yes, two twenty-something graduates of Texas A&M, interviewed here in New York Magazine, are making gazillions writing bodice rippers about T-Rexes ravaging unsuspecting young maidens and giving them toe-curling orgasms with their tiny little vestigial arms. Until now, scientists didn't know what those arms were for, and now they do!

This is an amazing career move (obvi) but I need to take it one step further. I need to write MOM DINOSAUR erotica, starring the animate characters of the PBS Kids shows Dinosaur Train and The Wild Kratts, specifically Chris and Martin Kratt, and that guy "Scott the Paleontolgist."

The set-up would be fictional episodes of these programs starring The Kratt Brothers and Scott the Paleontologist in various sexy scenes from the pleistocene era, and of course dinosaurs would feature prominently. 

For example, the Mom could have lost her way while en route to Whole Foods and inadvertently stumbled into a herd of stampeding diplodocus. Out of nowhere, Dr. Scott or Chris Kratt comes riding in on a wooly mammoth and scoops her up to take her back to the laboratory and examine her for wounds. There he lies her roughly-but-gently on a specimen table as he simultaneously knocks the gluten free acai berry sorbet she just bought onto the floor. All of a sudden, a triceratops rams down the door to the lab and catches her eye, his bony frill glistening in the fading light that streams in from the palms beyond . . .

You get the idea.

I am going to make MILLIONS writing these! My only challenges will be (1) not giving myself distracting spontaneous orgasms while I develop the plot lines; and (2) deciding how to spend all of my money.


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