Friday, September 2, 2016

Shelf Life of String Cheese Longer Than Brock Turner's Time Served for Rape

Brock Turner, the 20 year-old star Stanford swimmer convicted rapist, was released from prison yesterday, having served exactly three months of a six month jail sentence for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on the Stanford campus after a frat party early last year. (A crime, b-t-dubs, that was brought to the attention of law enforcement thanks only to two good Samaritans on bikes who interrupted the assault in progress).

The swimming rapist bro's time served--for a felony that carries a penalty of 14 years (of which prosecutors sought six years and for which again Brock was sentenced to six months and served three)--is approximately 1.7% of the prison time contemplated for what Brock's dad so eloquently described as "20 minutes of action."

Also according to his dad, one of the worst things about Brock's horrible ordeal was that he lost his appetite for his favorite snacks, including steak and pretzels. Well, Brock (and his dad) will be happy to learn that the length of Brock's prison term is shorter than the shelf life of a wide variety of delicious foods!

These snacks include (but are not limited to) shredded low-moisture cheddar cheese, string cheese, margarine, cake frosting, olives, spaghetti sauce, oatmeal, crackers, and much more. So whatever was in Brock's fridge or freezer when he went to jail should be just fine now, which is a good thing since presumably the State of California does not serve Brock's favorite "big rib-eye steak" and pretzels in county lockup.


On the spectrum of what matters more and endures longer in America--a woman's lifelong sexual trauma or a carton of strawberry Greek yogurt--I think we have our answer.

Hooray!

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