Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Gettysburg Address, Palinized

Four score and eleventy years ago, our right wingin,’ bitter clingin,’ gun slingin,’ holy rockin’ and rollin’ hockey moms and dads, vets and patriots, brought forth on this continent a great nation, baby! 

You betcha! 

Conceived despite abstinence-only education, and dedicated to the proposition of drill baby drill and not pallin’ around with those elites, those politicos, those haters, those Washington, D.C. insiders who want to make us and break us.

Now we are engaged in a great culture war, testing whether our capitulator-in-chief, our community-organizer organizing a community tea, will continue to pussy-foot around and kowtow and bow down? Wow. How now, brown cow? We are met here on the Tarmac, seein' all the green and gold and the green and gold until we're dead and cold paraphernalia? 


I don't think so! 

No. We have come to dedicate a portion of this Tarmac, as a final resting place for those heroes abroad and right here at home in their babies' bedrooms, rockin' the cradle loud and proud! But in a larger sense, we cannot retreat, we cannot back down, we won't back down. Like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. We won't retreat. We'll reload. We'll go rogue, far above the power of our Maker to add or detract.

The lame stream media will little note, nor long remember what we say here, though long will they try to figure out what I just said here. But that being said, it can never forget '08, and that great, big, golden wall we're gonna build, to keep out the illegals, instead of inducing and seducing them with gift baskets full of teddy bears and soccer balls. Come on over the border, here's a gift basket! 

Right.

It is for all of us, we red-blooded Americans who bleed red, white, and blue to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--it's got our heads spinning, media heads are spinning. That from these honored dead I'm just jumping in, even though they said left and right, "you're going to get so clobbered, just beat up, chewed up, and spit out." And I'm thinking, AND? I take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion, maybe stirring it up a little. 

Can I get a 'Hallelujah?'

That we here highly resolve that those dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation, Under God, shall not be savaged. It must be salvaged. None of this hopey-changey stuff. 'Cause how's that working out for ya? I thought so. And that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth.

Oh my goodness gracious. It is so flippin' busted, the way that this thing works.


O.H.M. Note: Apparently this is not an original idea (shocking, I know). Looks like I'm not the first to think of this: someone did something similar 6 years ago! Also this. I'm sure there are others. Still, the number of possible Palinizations of the Gettysburg Address is infinite. 

1 comment:

  1. OHM... do you remember this: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2009/12/the_snow_machine_pummeled_through_the_whitedusted_plain_like_a_jubilant_beaver.html

    What a lost opportunity. You should have been a contender. Where's the justice?

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