Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I'm Actually Very Surprised That Ted Cruz Once Fought Passionately Against Dildos

"Are you surprised that Ted Cruz once fought passionately against dildos?" That's what Joanna Rothkopf pointedly asked the world in Jezebel today, when she reported that Ted Cruz once argued to uphold a provision of the Texas Penile Penal Code prohibiting "the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices." 

During his time as Solicitor General for the Great State of Texas, Ted's office argued that there is "no substantive due process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes" and that there was "a government interest in discouraging autonomous sex."

Well now.

I actually feel for Ted Cruz (pun intended) on this, because he was just doing his hand blow job, defending a public pubic statute (OMG, I can't stop doing this) that his dickish legislature enacted, and that a court ultimately rubbed out. (BOOM).

So that's actually not what surprises me about this.

What surprises me is that Ted Cruz was able to put aside his own personal life and come out swinging so hard (again, pun intended) against his own kind: dildos; as well as his own favorite activity, autonomous sex.

I'm just guessing here, but I am pretty sure if you took a sample of Ted Cruz's DNA, you would find that his mitochondrial makeup is closer to a dildo than it is to a human being. And while the government might have an interest in discouraging "autonomous sex," surely autonomous sex is pretty much the only kind of sex Ted has. Which is sad for him, because if he's right, then the government is discouraging Ted's sex life and perhaps he should look for a job in the private sexter sector. For as I have said before, I outright refuse to believe that Ted Cruz has found any women willing to sleep with him, likely up to and including his own wife, since most women would sooner bed down with the Crypt Keeper than Ted Cruz.

To Ted's credit though, I believe it was Alexander Hamilton who first said in the Federalist Papers that all men are created equal and have the right to life, liberty, and the stimulation of one's genitals for non-medical purposes. The last clause was struck and replaced with "pursuit of happiness," so as to be more general.

Seriously. Look it up, Ted. I dare you.

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