Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Alexander Hamilton's Deepest Regret Was His Failure to Get Tickets to See Hamilton

Alexander Hamilton, one of the founding fathers of the United States, chief aide to George Washington, lawyer, first Secretary of the Treasury, the founder of America's financial system, the Federalist Party, the New York Post, and the United States Coast Guard undoubtedly achieved a great deal in his short 49 years on earth.

But the one thing Alexander Hamilton failed to do was obtain tickets to the wildly popular hip-hop Broadway musical bearing his name.

Born out of wedlock and raised in the West Indes, Hamilton was an orphan who played a major role in the American Revolution and authored most of The Federalist Papers, which is still considered the single most important reference for constitutional interpretation to this day.

Despite these incontrovertible successes though, Hamilton literally could not get his hands on the hottest ticket on Broadway for him and his wife, Elizabeth Schuyler, to save his goddamned fucking life. 

In papers and effects recently disclosed by his estate, Hamilton expresses deep dismay at his inability to attend the lively jazz, rap, and blues-influenced musical biopic chronicling his profound role in American history:
It was hardly to be expected that any man could be so presumptuous as openly to controvert the TKTS booth, the inequity, wisdom, and authority of Ticketmaster and StubHub. And yet, let me ask these restless spirits, whence arises that violent antipathy I seem to entertain when I discover I am shut out from even two middle upper balcony seats all the way to the left, with at least 20% of the stage obscured, for quite more than a tuppance? A little consideration surely will convince the producers, in the plainest terms, of this grievous injustice. For though a Sunday matinee of The Book of Mormon rousts my curiosity, it shall not suffice. All of my achievements, all my life's work, shall be for naught if I am not comped a pair of choice seats for this, the hottest show on Broadway!
Historians at Columbia University, Hamilton's alma mater then known as Kings College, have posited that the statesman's failure to obtain tickets to see Hamilton is his most profound regret, eclipsing the merits of nearly everything else he had done, including being enshrined forever on the $10 bill, approximately 100 of which would perhaps maybe be enough to buy him and Liz semi-decent seats to the musical six months from now, if he was lucky.

Indeed, it is now believed that the duel that ultimately killed Hamilton was not, as previously thought, the culmination of a long and bitter rivalry between him and Aaron Burr, but rather a fight to the death over the last two tickets to a sold-out Saturday night showing of the Grammy Award-winning, critically-acclaimed smash hit.

Alexander Hamilton portrait by John Trumbull 1806.jpg

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