Friday, August 31, 2018

Sucks to Be You, Marine Iguana

Dear Marine Iguana,

Sucks to be you. No, I mean that honestly. Like it genuinely sucks to exist as a member of your species. I'm pretty sure that your VERY best average day is waaaaay worse than my worst average day. Here's what I mean:

BEST AVERAGE DAY FOR MARINE IGUANA: Hatch out of an egg buried in searing hot sand; make a mad dash for a cliff as hordes of carnivorous constrictor snakes slither toward you at top speed; escape--by a hair's breadth--the clutches of the aforementioned snakes; keep running toward cliff.

WORST AVERAGE DAY FOR ME: Hit "off" instead of "snooze" on Crystals by mistake; realize three-day old laundry is now collecting mildew in the washing machine; too many annoying emails before 9:00 a.m.

BEST AVERAGE DAY FOR MARINE IGUANA: Dive 98 feet head-first off a rocky cliff into the broiling Pacific ocean's sub-tidal zone; forage for red algae, feces, and sea lion afterbirth.


WORST AVERAGE DAY FOR ME: Twist left ankle crossing the street in Danskos; find nothing I feel like eating at the Rainbow Foods deli counter AND no gluten-free brownies; get take-out Cobb salad instead.

BEST AVERAGE DAY FOR MARINE IGUANA: Desalinate your own water by blowing it through exocrine glands in your nose; feel elevated stress due to tourism.

WORST AVERAGE DAY FOR ME: Drop coffee grounds on floor; get Prozac stuck in throat; tear Spanx; feel elevated stress due to tourism.

BEST AVERAGE DAY FOR MARINE IGUANA: Stare a category five hurricane and 40-foot seas in the face on the reg.

WORST AVERAGE DAY FOR ME: Get into an argument about #Pizzagate with my second cousin's roofer on Facebook.

BEST AVERAGE DAY FOR MARINE IGUANA: Lock literal horns and butt literal heads with another dominant male in order to successfully defend your territory.

WORST AVERAGE DAY FOR ME: Lock metaphorical horns and butt metaphorical heads with my offspring about slime-making materials all over the house like do they think this house I pay for is a fucking science lab sponsored by Tide and Barbasol.

I'm so sorry, marine iguana. It's not even close.




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