Sunday, August 26, 2018

5 Ways to Get Your Kids to Engage With Your Brand

I want my kids to engage with my brand, and here's how I do it:

1. Spread the News: It's important to stay on top of industry news. In this case, the "industry" is prepubescent/Peter Pan pranksters on YouTube and idiotic gaming apps that make animated unicorn-poop sushi. If you missed the Dude Perfect where they hit ten zillion softballs at once, and you aren't surrendering your phone to a download of "Slime Maker," then you're missing a key opportunity. You need to leverage industry news to ensure your kids know the meaning of the word "GRAPHIC," and what to do when they it on the internet above a video of a soft-shelled sea turtle getting butchered for soup.

2. Be a Pain Reliever: Ask your kids what's bothering them. Sit them down. Let them know that they can say anything to you, and that you'll listen for future action items. Except "no." Don't listen to that, because fuck that. You're in charge, not them. Also maybe keep a few spare Band Aids on your person at all times.

3. Promote Your Events: Are you hosting or attending an event? Like maybe a shit that lasts more than 32 seconds or a hot shower that lasts more than 70? Make sure to promote the event by yelling loudly. Attend the events yourself, of course, and then post them on social media with viral hashtags: #ImTakingaShitGiveMeFiveFuckingSeconds or #WouldItKillYouToBatheItsBeenFiveDays. Take it up a notch with a tried and true marketing tactic: shameless bribery.

4. Do DIY Projects: Nothing boosts a kid's confidence like DIY projects, which are all the rage these days, especially when book-ended by threats. It could be anything from "clean your room or no sleep-over" to "I hope those aren't wet towels I see on the bathroom floor." This will definitely boost engagement.

5. Share Inspirational Quotes: One thing that really promotes brand loyalty is sharing inspirational quotes. You can say proudly, "when I was your age, I rode my Huffy to school with no helmet and got a busy signal on a rotary phone attached to the kitchen wallpaper." Or simply hiss into their ears, "See that guy pacing and muttering angrily over there? He looks like he just escaped from prison. In fact, I'm certain of it. NEVER approach anyone who has that type of body language, understand?" 

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