Monday, April 9, 2018

This Woman is Getting Rich Off Fancy Ice Cubes and Yes, I Am Fully Evacuating the Planet Right Now

Evacuation from earth. 

Those were the first three words to pop into my head upon reading this article in (where else) the NYT Style Section, about 26 year-old Wisconsin native and current "1905 Craftsman house"-dwelling L.A. denizen Leslie Kirchhoff, whose “claim to fame” is "Disco Cubes," which are “frozen objets d’art that keep cocktails cold while also evoking the botanical paperweights of the glass artist Paul Stankard.”

I read that sentence, and was just like, WOW. Wowowowowowoow. Why the fuck did I even bother with all this SCHOOL and STUDENT LOANS and DEGREES, when I could’ve just stuck an ice cube tray under a faucet, dropped a dandelion inside, and abracadabra BAM, become a bazillionnaire!?

You’ll never guess the serendipitous series of happenstances that led to a size-two blonde bombshell who is technically old enough to be my daughter getting rich off ice cubes, and because you can’t guess AND presumably don’t want to read the whole article to find out, I’m going to tell you (you're welcome in advance).

You see, Leslie was studying abroad in Paris (bien sur) during her sophomore year at NYU, and it was there that she learned to . . . wait for it . . . D.J., which generally in 2018 or thereabouts involves . . . making a playlist? I dunno, I can barely use Spotify so who am I to say.

Anyhoo, around the time Leslie returned to NYC to continue her playlist-making-and-playing-with-headphones–on-while-looking-supes-hot-in-a-spaghetti-strap-dress-at-night-near-many-more-hot-people “career,” she “ordered a cocktail with a lavender ice cube at the James hotel in SoHo,” and, “disappointed that the cube just featured lavender sprinkled on top, she began to experiment with ice cube molds.”

Leslie then spent the next four years (!?!?!?!) “developing her own ice-making method and turned it into a business.”


Guys, let’s linger on that word for a moment. Leslie was DISAPPOINTED that the ice cube in her cocktail just featured lavender and did not have lavender inside it, so she asked herself, WHAT ARE WE?! SAVAGES?!? WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO I WANT MY FUTURE CHILDREN TO INHABIT?!, and chose to rectify this grave injustice by leveraging her substantial privilege and skill to fill a void in the fucking ARTISANAL ICE CUBE MARKET.

But back to disappointment for a minute. Simply for comparison purposes, here's a short and extremely non-exhaustive list of things that have disappointed me in my life: (1) Every single man ever; (2) the size of my ass; (3) not getting into a better law school.

Here’s a complete list of things that have NOT disappointed me in my life: (1) drugs; (2) masturbation; (3) FUCKING ICE CUBES.

I’m going to leave you with a cut and paste job from the end of this profile because this is really all you need to read to know for a FACT you are doing it wrong:

Disco Cubes, as the project is called, “grew out of an earlier experiment called Drunk Crustaceans, in which Ms. Kirchhoff and a friend staged and photographed pieces of shellfish on mini Adirondack chairs, drinking mini bottles of Veuve Cliquot. The props were purchased at Tiny Doll House, a shop that sells dollhouse-size furniture and accessories on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.”
Basically what I'm saying is, if you’re not getting rich off ice cubes, you’re a yooge sucker plebe and you should kill yourself. But if you’re looking for a career switch, just go out and invest in some turntables, an ice cube tray, some doll house furniture, and a packet of pansy seeds and say hello to swanky parties and goodbye to debt forever!

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