Sunday, April 1, 2018

Happy Easter Juneau! Donnie Darko the Easter Bunny Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Happy Easter, Juneau! 

I hope everyone is wearing their Sunday best, has a delicious Easter basket full of chocolate and jelly beans, and is spending the day contemplating God and hunting for Easter eggs and dyeing them. 

And when that’s all done, you should come on down to JDHS to meet Donnie Darko for the chance to maybe win a plane ticket and the inevitable certainty that you and your children will have cold sweats and night terrors for the rest of your lives.

Full disclosure: I’m Jewish, so I don’t know jackshit from Easter. I just spent the last two evenings trying to keep my kids still and engaged while choking down stale crackers with horseradish and contemplating my people’s former enslavement, the slaying of the first born, a plague of locusts and boils, and blood on doorways.

So I’m not exactly advancing the standard for holiday cheer here. I’m just saying: this Easter Bunny is scary AF!

This bunny looks like a combo of ZZ Top and John Wayne Gacy in his old serial killer victim-hunting clown costume mixed with the Fly and Donnie Darko wearing two baguettes on his head and playing pocket pool. 

Like who is going to sit on this bunny’s lap? (P.S.: Is that even a thing, or is that just Santa? See? I told you. I don’t even know, because Jewish). WTF is going on here?

But if it’s one thing Juneauites of all faiths understand, it’s the value of a plane ticket to get the fuck out of this town. 

If you have to listen to the piercing screams of your children for even a whisper of a prayer of getting a free ride to civilization and Target on Alaska Airlines, well, then, so be it. And if you have to use that ticket to fly to Seattle for advanced family psychotherapy because your health insurance travel voucher doesn’t cover pre-existing Terror Bunny, then that’s also just the way it goes.

*Awaits sanctimonious and defensive DM from friends and family of the person behind Terror Bunny™️*


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