Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Ladies, This is the Vaginal Secretion Sweetener You Did Not Know You Needed!

Ladies, let’s all come clean and lift the hood on the Biggest Secret of the Bedroom.™

We’ve ALL been there. Bae is going down on you, and you’re super into it. But just as you’re really getting your rhythm happening, he—or she, OR SHE—abruptly comes up for air. 

“You know what,” they say, wiping their mouth with the back of their hand and resting thoughtfully on their elbows, “honestly this whole thing would be a LOT better if it was a king sized bag of Sour Patch Kids instead of your pussy.”

Well, now the solution to every woman’s problem is here! For a mere $34.95 plus shipping, you too can have vajazzle juice that tastes like an Orange Julius, Skittles, or a Strawberry Lemonade Snapple!

“My Sweet V Female Performance Plus Secretion Sweetener” is an “all natural herbal supplement” designed to “enhance the flavor of your vaginal secretions” and is “formulated to add a semi-fruity taste and sensual smell to your intimate body fluids.”

I’m not sure what this stuff actually does to your body, but also IDGAF, because my worst nightmare is that the “intimate body fluids” emitted by my poon might taste like what they are—a mixture of carbohydrates, amino acids, proteins, prostatic acid phosphatase, glucose, fructose, and other acids produced by a natural bacterial microbiome—instead of a big ol' bowl of Cookie Crisp laced with warm vanilla sugar and unicorn farts like the Good Lord intended.

I’m trying to think what the FDA-approved scientific explanation of this product would be: Maybe, an “herbal supplement to add more glucose to cervical mucus, transudate, and vaginal mucous secreted by the Skene’s and Bartholin’s glands. This product should not be consumed if you want your lady jizz to be more like Cool Ranch Doritos, because that’s a whole other product called 'Nacho Snatch.'”

To be fair, the same company also makes something called “Yummy Cum,” which presumably does the same thing to regular bro-jizz, so it’s not like the Milk Duds-Beav Industrial Complex is really driving this whole bus.

As for me, I don’t have a problem with it. Anything that brings humanity closer to making Cunnilingus to Completion
™  the Law of the Land™  is alright by me.

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