Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Rudy Giuliani to be Named Secretary of C.H.U.D.

President-Elect Trump moved to solidify his cabinet this week, naming former rival Ben Carson--whose spokesperson said "he has no government experience" and "has never run a federal agency"--as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, or HUD.

That leaves fewer options for Rudy Giuliani, the wee, pugnacious, Chicklet-grilled Trump loyalist who was a halfway decent human being in public for 24 hours on 9/11/01 through 9/12/01 during his stint as the Mayor of New York City. 

During the 2016 presidential campaign, Giuliani could often be found spitting into microphones while almost bursting a blood vessel in his forehead to the point of stroke, so naturally his name has been floated as a candidate for Secretary of State or Director of National Intelligence. 

However, people close to the Trump transition team have indicated that talks are underway to appoint Giuliani Secretary of C.H.U.D., the agency in charge of the violent swarm of Cannibalistic Underground Humanoid Dwellers who have thrived in New York City's sewer system since 1984, and who were made famous by Andrew Bonime's eponymous documentary about them.

The film, titled simply "C.H.U.D," chronicles the "homeless" population that Giuliani was so attentive to as mayor, and the intrepid police officers who discovered that the C.H.U.D. were not mere "squeegee men"--(i.e. homeless people who would approach your car windshield with a dirty mop and demand money, and who Rudy Giuliani famously eradicated at the beginning of his administration)--but rather former humans that "have been mutated by radioactive, chemical toxic waste into hideous flesh-eating creatures that prey on the homeless who live underground."

"The President-Elect is seriously considering Giuliani for Secretary of C.H.U.D.," said a Trump source who asked to remain anonymous, due to the confidential nature of the talks. 

"Obviously, Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani share common roots in New York City," the source continued. Giuliani, 72, is famously familiar with the sewer systems and the population of cannibalistic monsters that reside there, having come from a humble C.H.U.D. background himself. "His knowledge of C.H.U.D. policy is as good, or better, than anybody the President-Elect is talking to," the source continued.

Giuliani honed his law and order reputation by requiring permits for picnics, arresting people for smoking joints, perfecting the art of the "perp walk," and allowing black men to be tortured in police custody through anal penetration with broomsticks.

It is unclear at this point whether Giuliani will necessarily have time to undertake the duties of C.H.U.D. Secretary, however, as he is currently on location filming a sequel to the 1993 biopic "Rudy" about an underdog football player who walked onto the Notre Dame football team. 

Although Giuliani has no known relationship to Notre Dame and plays golf as opposed to football, he is reportedly consulting (for a small fee of $1,000 an hour) on the new project because he really loves that "RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!" chant.

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