Monday, December 12, 2016

This Token Gesture of Charitable Giving Will Magically Turn Me Into a Very Good Person for Five Minutes This Holiday Season!

Oh heeeey, boos! 

I have wonderful news befitting the generous spirit of the Christmas--er, holiday--er--Christmas (?) season. 

Whatever it's called, I'm here to report that this token gesture of charitable giving I just made will magically turn me into a Very Good Person (TM) for five minutes.

I know this because of the brief, fleeting moment of satisfaction I felt deep inside my soul when I took my credit card out of my wallet, punched in some numbers, and made a modest donation to any number of Go Fund Mes and other online charitable giving sites.

I could be very minutely helping someone with their medical bills, home repairs, therapy, or that dream trip to Europe the recipient would never otherwise be able to obtain. Or I might be charging a onetime donation to a worthy cause. 

Either way, I just KNOW that the $25-$150 that was pried reluctantly from my precarious bank account--which I always check anxiously/obsessively before trying to become a Very Good Person--will go a long way toward making me feel like a Halfway Decent Human Being for ten seconds, if not a Very Good Person for five minutes.

There are so many opportunities to feel like a Very Good Person this time of year. There's your local food bank, meals on wheels, wheels on meals, toys for tots, tots for toys, junk for jams, refugees, the people with the bell outside Target, and all of that stuff. 

As I flip through the American Girl catalog and realize that a plastic doll named McKayla has a better qualify of life--with her allergy-friendly food and ski boots and glasses and flip flops--than most living girls around the world can scrape together in a lifetime, I feel a striking need to be a Very Good Person.

And as I take stock of the systemic inequity and affronts to the earth that have led this catalog to my doorstep, I seek to mitigate my shame and horror by sponsoring someone on a fun run for diabetes research or something.


There's nothing like a modest charitable donation in December to mitigate for five minutes each year the guilt I feel based on my very existence the other 364 days, 23 hours, and 55 minutes of the year. 

It's great to be a Very Good Person for five minutes, but each of those minutes has a price, and money doesn't grow on trees. 

So once those minutes are over, I can hate myself properly again.

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