Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I See You, 54-Second Recipe GIF of Unicorn Cookies that Poop Stars Made to Look Like They Don't Really Take All Day Because Fast Forward!

Recipe GIFs are everywhere these days, and if they're to be believed, every recipe ever concocted by Julia Child can be achieved in under a minute while being filmed from an aerial view smart phone on a tripod. Every time my kids see one of these, it's like, "CAN WE MAKE THAT?! IT'S SO EASY!?"

No it's not bitch/dick. No, it's not. 

Whatever. I want EVERYTHING in life to be this easy. Like I want someone to make a GIF of me on the treadmill that compresses six weeks of that cayenne maple syrup juice cleanse plus painful, lung-bursting exercise and spin class boot camp into 2 minutes, and when I'm done watching it I will look exactly like Margot Robbie. 

By far the best example of this phenomenon is the "unicorn pinata cookies that poop stars." This video is 54 seconds long, but let me break it down for you in actual steps, m'kay?

1. Make cookie dough (whatever the fuck that involves, it's definitely a bunch of steps with 15 ingredients). But of course the video starts with the cookie dough already made. So already you need to add one hour to this video before it even starts.

2. Divide cookie dough into quarters and put into four different bowls in a split-screen, you know, with your four arms, because you're an octopus. An octopus with a Pinterest account.

3. Add a different toxic color of food dye to each bowl of cookie dough and hope you can still have grandchildren after your kids eat half a pound of Red #2 and Yellow #6.

4. Roll each different color of cookie dough into a giant ball.

5. Take each ball out of its bowl and tear it apart into tiny pieces and mix them all together but not TOO much, lest all the colors bleed together and the whole thing ends up looking like a 12 pack of Play-Doh after your kids play with it for five minutes (i.e. uniform doo-doo brown).

6. I am only up to 13/54 seconds right now, FYI. But in real life we are at two hours.

7.  Roll the rainbow mosaic dough onto parchment paper and then CHILL ONE HOUR. CHILL MOTHERFUCKERS. For AN HOUR. Tick-tock, bitch! I'm sure your kids will not at all be like, "ARE THEY READY YET?!" every 60 seconds, because again, that's how long the video shows it takes.

8. Take dough out of fridge post one-hour chill, and get out your unicorn cookie cutters. I hope you smoked some weed while you were chillin'! Wait, you don't have unicorn cookie cutters? Never mind, start over. Now you need to go to JoAnn Fabrics so that'll be another 3 hours, and you have to sober up too before you drive there, so make that 3.5 hours.

9. Bee-tee-dubs: I'm at second 23--i.e., only about half way there, so stay with me now!

10. Once you get home with your unicorn cookie cutters, make a bunch of unicorn cookies. Surely none of the legs and horns and tail pieces will fall off. In case they do though, use a TOOTHPICK (back out to CVS for those!) to delicately make sure each unicorn's six (6) appendages remain intact.

11. Bake your unicorns at 350 for 10-15 minutes.

12. We are now at 6 hours, 45 minutes in real life, which translates to 29 seconds of this video.

13.  Somewhere along the way--don't ask me when or where--you were supposed to obtain a bowl of mini--MINI--M&Ms, a bowl of multicolored star sprinkles, and liquid (?) white chocolate which shall serve as glue. 

14. Get all of these supplies out and cut a small rectangle out of HALF the unicorns cooked-up cookie mid-sections. Fill the emptied-out mid-section with the mini M&Ms and sprinkles and glue another UNCUT unicorn on TOP of the one with his/her guts cut out.

15. Repeat above until all the cookies are gone, which appears to be four cookies total. All of this assembly will take another two hours.

16. We are now approximately 9 hours into this project.

17. Shake the sandwiched unicorn until sprinkles and M&M's come out of its open anus like magical poop.

18. It is now midnight and your children are a fucking nightmare, but at least you have four cookies that look vaguely like unicorns who can shit sprinkles when you shake them, in exchange for a full day of your life that you will never get back.

Who among us has NOT made unicorn cookies that poop stars? Or at least won't after reading this post? PLEASE WATCH THE VIDEO. IT'S SOOOOOOOOO EASY. 

See you in a couple of months. 

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