Monday, April 25, 2016

Should I Sign Up for These Free Bible Lessons (No Donations Asked)?

I'm guessing I should. This religious tract arrived at the home of a lesbian couple I know (coincidence? I think not) and they gave it to me, because they (rightly) assumed I would be interested in signing up for the free bible lessons (no donations asked) that are offered here. 

In order to figure out whether I really need these lessons, though, I decided to honestly answer for myself the questions posed on the backside of the postcard:

1. Do you have concern about the future?: Well, who doesn't? I guess in the immediate future, I'm concerned that the Thai peanut noodle salad I just ate for lunch is going to give me stomach issues in a few hours. And I wonder if my husband's snoring and/or my kids' kicking me in the ribs is going to keep me up all fucking night again. Long term, I worry about my children growing up to be normal, functional adults despite their crazy mother. So yes. Yes I do have concern about the future.

2.  Does a one world government (with no freedom) sound good to you?: I'm glad you added that parenthetical caveat, because a one world government WITH freedom does sound good to me, since then everyone in the whole wide world would like, totes be besties, right? With NO freedom though? Well, no. That does not sound good to me. That sounds bad to me.

3. Ever wondered what the mark of the beast is?: Yes! But I did see The Omen (original 1976 and 2006 remake starring Julia Stiles (whatever happened to her btw?)) and I think the mark of the beast was the red "666" the demon child Damien was born with on the back of his neck like a birthmark. So I have wondered what the mark of the beast is, but my question was answered both by those two movies and the song "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden ("666, the number of the beast! I have the power to make my evil take its course!" and so on). Also, I think 666-6666 was the number of a cab company I used to use when I lived in Brooklyn.

4. Babylon?: No, I don't wonder about this. I already know that Babylon is a stop on the Long Island Railroad, a place Bob Marley sings about a lot in a thick Jamaican accent, and a soulful easy listening song by David Gray (OMG, he's supes adorbs is he not?)

5. The man of sin whose number is 666?: See answer to question #3 above. But if the man of sin whose number is 666 is that super shady dude my friend met on OK Cupid last week, then I have to say my curiosity is piqued.

6. Would you like the answer to these questions and be able to understand Bible Prophecy?: Well, I already have the answer to most of these questions but I'm afraid they are incomplete. So yes. 

See? 

It's obvious I need to sign up for this class so I can "learn these critically important truths." Now the only thing standing between me and eternal salvation is a postage stamp. I also love that there is a number you can call for "answers to immediate questions." Like "I just saw the man of sin whose number is 666 get off the LIRR at the Babylon station. What should I do?!" It's like Truth Triumphant's version of 911 emergency dispatch. 

And to top it off, they're in north-central Florida. Who wouldn't want to go there?



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