Wednesday, May 3, 2017
I Spent a Year Saying Yes to Life and Now I'm Dead
True story.
A year ago this month, I was in a really dark place. My marriage of seven years was in shambles, my career had stalled out, and I couldn’t even afford a stovetop espresso maker. Then I started saying “yes” to life, and I ended up in an even darker place: The walk-in closet in my ex-husband’s mistress’s bedroom, which I now haunt on the reg.
Too often, we allow fear and a lack of self-confidence hold us back from embracing the amazing growth opportunities we all deserve. There is no such thing as perfect timing in life. Simply put, if you wait for all the stars to align, you might never take that promotion, move to that exciting new city, or get on the back of a Harley with a big fat drunk biker and no helmet because you just DGAF anymore.
For as long as I can remember, I had this terrible habit of saying “no,” which really kept me from leading a mindful life and fulfilling my dreams. I said “no” to all kinds of things for what in retrospect were self-defeating reasons.
Like I turned down a highly Instagrammable girls’ weekend to Cancun because I was afraid I’d spend the entire time on the toilet with a stinging bunghole. I refused to pet-sit my next door neighbor’s yellow Burmese python because just the thought of feeding it live mice made me gag. And I let a really great guy get away just because he texted me a GIF of a llama and then ignored my return GIF of an alpaca because who just ghosts someone after texting an alpaca GIF?
It was really immature of me, but then again I was pretty clueless at that time.
A year ago this month, I was in a really dark place. My marriage of seven years was in shambles, my career had stalled out, and I couldn’t even afford a stovetop espresso maker. Then I started saying “yes” to life, and I ended up in an even darker place: The walk-in closet in my ex-husband’s mistress’s bedroom, which I now haunt on the reg.
Too often, we allow fear and a lack of self-confidence hold us back from embracing the amazing growth opportunities we all deserve. There is no such thing as perfect timing in life. Simply put, if you wait for all the stars to align, you might never take that promotion, move to that exciting new city, or get on the back of a Harley with a big fat drunk biker and no helmet because you just DGAF anymore.
For as long as I can remember, I had this terrible habit of saying “no,” which really kept me from leading a mindful life and fulfilling my dreams. I said “no” to all kinds of things for what in retrospect were self-defeating reasons.
Like I turned down a highly Instagrammable girls’ weekend to Cancun because I was afraid I’d spend the entire time on the toilet with a stinging bunghole. I refused to pet-sit my next door neighbor’s yellow Burmese python because just the thought of feeding it live mice made me gag. And I let a really great guy get away just because he texted me a GIF of a llama and then ignored my return GIF of an alpaca because who just ghosts someone after texting an alpaca GIF?
It was really immature of me, but then again I was pretty clueless at that time.
Then I read some stuff by Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced TICK-NOT-HAHN) and as it turned out, I’d learn more about ghosting than I ever imagined when I started saying “yes” to life.
One of my all-time favorite Thich Nhat Hanh quotes is “we have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” That quote is like, so perfect because it truly encapsulates what it means to say “yes” to life.
It was after masturbating alone to the Thorn Birds on PBS that I decided to start saying yes to life by responding to an unsolicited email from a Nigerian prince. Before I knew it, I had freed myself of all of my earthly possessions and money. It was like Eat, Pray, Love, but without Julia Roberts, and using the free wifi at Pinkberry instead of meditating in an ashram in India with no internet for days.
Pretty soon, I found myself saying “yes” to all kinds of stuff: meth, anonymous Craigslist threesomes, shuttling my aunt’s car back from the airport at 4:00 a.m., and ultimately that motorcycle ride with the big fat drunk biker I mentioned at the beginning of this post.
The last thing I remember was the bumper of an 18-wheeler and a tattoo of Jenna Jameson on the back of this dude's neck rolls. Next thing I knew, I was in the spirit world, lurking as a chimera between the wrap-dresses and suede Louboutin mules of the homewrecker who had first set me upon this spiritual journey.
You see, it was only by saying yes to life that I ended up dead. Now, I spend my days haunting my ex-husband’s new and much younger wife’s enviably large closet, and I couldn’t be happier.
One of my all-time favorite Thich Nhat Hanh quotes is “we have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” That quote is like, so perfect because it truly encapsulates what it means to say “yes” to life.
It was after masturbating alone to the Thorn Birds on PBS that I decided to start saying yes to life by responding to an unsolicited email from a Nigerian prince. Before I knew it, I had freed myself of all of my earthly possessions and money. It was like Eat, Pray, Love, but without Julia Roberts, and using the free wifi at Pinkberry instead of meditating in an ashram in India with no internet for days.
Pretty soon, I found myself saying “yes” to all kinds of stuff: meth, anonymous Craigslist threesomes, shuttling my aunt’s car back from the airport at 4:00 a.m., and ultimately that motorcycle ride with the big fat drunk biker I mentioned at the beginning of this post.
The last thing I remember was the bumper of an 18-wheeler and a tattoo of Jenna Jameson on the back of this dude's neck rolls. Next thing I knew, I was in the spirit world, lurking as a chimera between the wrap-dresses and suede Louboutin mules of the homewrecker who had first set me upon this spiritual journey.
You see, it was only by saying yes to life that I ended up dead. Now, I spend my days haunting my ex-husband’s new and much younger wife’s enviably large closet, and I couldn’t be happier.
Local Hero Visits Mendenhall Glacier with Three Cruise Ships in Town
May is the start of cruise ship season, which means most Juneau locals avoid the Mendenhall Glacier Visitor Center like an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet crawling with Norovirus.
“I’m not sure why I thought this would be a good idea,” mumbled Mr. Smith under his breath. Along with his wife and three children, Mr. Smith was spending a sunny weekend afternoon circling a crowded parking lot and dodging enormous coach buses until he finally found a space three-quarters of a mile down the Glacier Spur Road.
Nevertheless, Mr. Smith persisted like the Superman he is.
“Look! It's even smaller than it was three weeks ago on our class field trip!,” shouted Cody, Mr. Smith’s ten year-old son, as he briefly glanced up from his iPhone game of Candy Crush Saga.
But not local hero Adam Smith, who decided to bravely go where no other Juneauite is willing to go: the Mendenhall Glacier Visitor Center with three cruise ships in town.
“I’m not sure why I thought this would be a good idea,” mumbled Mr. Smith under his breath. Along with his wife and three children, Mr. Smith was spending a sunny weekend afternoon circling a crowded parking lot and dodging enormous coach buses until he finally found a space three-quarters of a mile down the Glacier Spur Road.
Nevertheless, Mr. Smith persisted like the Superman he is.
“Look! It's even smaller than it was three weeks ago on our class field trip!,” shouted Cody, Mr. Smith’s ten year-old son, as he briefly glanced up from his iPhone game of Candy Crush Saga.
The child’s lament caught the attention of a newlywed couple dressed in brand new poly-pro pants and never-before-worn hiking boots, as well as three young women in strappy sandals and tight-fitting sweaters speaking a foreign language. German, maybe?
At that point, Mr. Smith made a mental note that the tourists were curiously both under and over-prepared for the mostly paved excursion into the bleak abyss of climate change, and to the well-appointed visitor center that is so clearly trying to make the gradual and inevitable vanishing of its star attraction seem less depressing than it is.
“I don’t get it,” Mr. Smith said shaking his head. “It was so much less crowded last week. I’m never doing this again during cruise ship season, no matter how nice of a day it is.”
At that point, Mr. Smith made a mental note that the tourists were curiously both under and over-prepared for the mostly paved excursion into the bleak abyss of climate change, and to the well-appointed visitor center that is so clearly trying to make the gradual and inevitable vanishing of its star attraction seem less depressing than it is.
“I don’t get it,” Mr. Smith said shaking his head. “It was so much less crowded last week. I’m never doing this again during cruise ship season, no matter how nice of a day it is.”
Mr. Smith's heroism did not go unnoticed by local officials, who are considering awarding him a civic medal for his bravery.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
This Juneau Craigslist Missed Connection is Clearly Talking About Me!
Finally you guys! A Craigslist missed connection that is actually connecting. There is no possible way this person is NOT talking about me, "a dark-haired beauty with model looks . . . so pretty." It's almost like he has my fingerprints!
I'm pretty sure I was at IGA on the evening of April 20. I know, because I go there all the time when I forget to buy Coconut LaCroix, Bobby pins, Shale spicy cashew nut mix, and grapes. Like the second I walk out of there and drive home I think of something else I needed, so chances are this was me.
The other dead giveaway: "you're young for me."
OF COURSE I AM, although I don't know how old you are. If you're using Craigslist you've probably known how to use the internet since at least 1999, which means you are old AF. Granted, I am currently in the last five months of my thirties, but unlike my mom who went gray at 26, I still have my natural raven locks and my model looks, so I could easily pass for 38.
I am likewise healthy and attractive, much like a prize goat. In short, there is no possible way this wasn't me. I am proud to be one of the beautiful Juneau girls that caught your eye today.
One time when I was around 16 and at a gas station in New Jersey with my mom, this guy cat-called me and instead of barfing and telling me how inappropriate this was, my mom just whispered in my ear, "trust me, you'll miss it someday."
I'm just glad that day has not yet arrived. Thank you, kind sir, for making this missed connection with the only dark-haired, attractive, healthy, beautiful girl with model good looks this could possibly be.
More beautiful Juneau women this week at IGA - m4w (Juneau)
One was a sparkling redhead cute as the day is long Oh my...
The other, a dark-haired beauty with model looks.... so pretty
Seeing these healthy attractive women makes Juneau such a nice place to live.
You're young for me so I wouldn't think of telling you how beautiful you are, however I just wanted to let you know you are some of the beautiful Juneau girls that caught my eye today.
April 20
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
10 Burning Questions for CDATPOS 2.0
1. How do you plan to fill the adorable hipster sneakers of the original CDATPOS?
2. When you took this job, did you know about the long and handsome bearded shadow cast by your predecessor?
3. Do you even have any idea what I'm talking about right now, and if not, why not?
4. Do you care, and if not, why not?
5. Will you or will you not follow in the footsteps of your predecessor by cooking my family a delicious meal in your adorable hipster sneakers and emo music, which I will then live-blog for all the world to see?
6. What new ink do you plan to get/new beard maintenance products will you endorse to commemorate this important milestone in your career?
7. Where do you stand on "cougars?"
8. Do you also wish to join Juneau's registry of historic places?
9. Are you prepared to assume the heavy mantle of CDATPOS 2.0?
10. Who is your #1 style inspiration (other than the original CDATPOS)?
2. When you took this job, did you know about the long and handsome bearded shadow cast by your predecessor?
3. Do you even have any idea what I'm talking about right now, and if not, why not?
4. Do you care, and if not, why not?
5. Will you or will you not follow in the footsteps of your predecessor by cooking my family a delicious meal in your adorable hipster sneakers and emo music, which I will then live-blog for all the world to see?
6. What new ink do you plan to get/new beard maintenance products will you endorse to commemorate this important milestone in your career?
7. Where do you stand on "cougars?"
8. Do you also wish to join Juneau's registry of historic places?
9. Are you prepared to assume the heavy mantle of CDATPOS 2.0?
10. Who is your #1 style inspiration (other than the original CDATPOS)?
BONUS QUESTION: Will you follow tradition and answer these burning questions, or will you be like POTUS and disregard well-established norms?
Empathy and the Credibility of Lived Experience
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings and experiences of another person from their perspective, and it’s sorely lacking in our day-to-day interactions with each other.
It’s certainly in short supply on the internet, where people tend to experiment (often anonymously) with inflammatory, verbal sadism they would never dare to indulge in real life, and which they don’t necessarily endorse or even believe.
One root of this is a lack of empathy, but where does a lack of empathy come from? In part, it comes from the refusal to give presumptive credibility to someone else’s lived experience.
It is simply not possible for a person who lacks a particular lived experience to opine with authority on that experience, yet we do it anyway.
One root of this is a lack of empathy, but where does a lack of empathy come from? In part, it comes from the refusal to give presumptive credibility to someone else’s lived experience.
It is simply not possible for a person who lacks a particular lived experience to opine with authority on that experience, yet we do it anyway.
Why?
It’s a normal human instinct to get defensive when someone points out the blind spots in our empathy. Most of us, myself included, are invested in defending ourselves against charges of racism, sexism, or any other “ism,” to the extent we bother to give those “isms” more than passing thought if we don’t have to, and to the exclusion of the unpleasant alternative that we are wrong.
Which means we miss the opportunity to learn something new by taking other people at their word, even and especially when their word conflicts with our preferred vision of ourselves.
I thought about all of this when I woke up to the news that Baltimore Orioles outfielder Adam Jones was subjected to racial taunts and had peanuts thrown at him at Fenway Park at a game last night. The Red Sox organization was quick to denounce and apologize for the conduct, and even the Governor of Massachusetts tweeted that “this is not what Massachusetts and Boston are about.”
I thought about all of this when I woke up to the news that Baltimore Orioles outfielder Adam Jones was subjected to racial taunts and had peanuts thrown at him at Fenway Park at a game last night. The Red Sox organization was quick to denounce and apologize for the conduct, and even the Governor of Massachusetts tweeted that “this is not what Massachusetts and Boston are about.”
But predictably and just as quickly, the internet was ablaze with denial, vile invective, and refusal to accept Mr. Jones’ account as true or credible, immediately giving the lie to Governor Baker’s words.
It’s a dirty little secret and a point of historical fact that racism is exactly what Boston, Massachusetts, and indeed most of New England are “about," and most non-white people who have ever lived there will tell you so.
It’s a dirty little secret and a point of historical fact that racism is exactly what Boston, Massachusetts, and indeed most of New England are “about," and most non-white people who have ever lived there will tell you so.
A supposedly enlightened northeast city like Boston--arguably the most vibrant intellectual community in the country--likes to think of itself as above the base white supremacy of the hicks in “flyover country." But again, the people with lived experience there know it’s not.
That experience deserves a presumption of credibility. You might not like it, but you should believe it.
Monday, May 1, 2017
American History According to Trump
“People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?
--Donald J. Trump, President of the United States, to Washington Examiner reporter Salena Zito, 5/1/17
This is Trump’s recounting of the Civil War. Here are a few imagined, lesser-publicized things he’s probably said about other major events in U.S. history. The above comment about the Civil War is REAL and the rest is satire, but it sounds like stuff he easily could have said.
SAD!
The Louisiana Purchase was a terrible deal. Look, Jefferson Airplane had no idea what they were doing when they made that deal. Just 15 states for $15 million? Disaster! I’m going to make this country a deal like the American People have never seen before, believe me.
Teddy Roosevelt was a great man, a respected man. Highly respected. Amazing guy. And let me tell you, he handled the Vietnam War just beautifully.
Rosa Parks did an amazing job with Yellowstone and Yosemite. Those parks, the buses that go through our national parks? She sat there and helped get those buses going, believe me.
People don't realize, England once owned the United States. No one thinks about that! Why was the King of England such a loser? If I was him I wouldn't be too happy, believe me. Look at the electoral college. I'm a winner, so I couldn't tell you why that particular king was such a loser. Couldn't tell you.
President Grover Cleveland, who won his home swing state of Ohio by 25 fewer electoral votes than me, by the way, saw the Chinese currency manipulation crisis coming 16 years before he died and was very angry about it!
Like me, FDR inherited an absolute mess. Absolute mess in the wake of 9/11. And there were some bad hombres cheering that terrible event, I saw it with my own eyes.
Veronica Lincoln was a terrific, talented woman. A total ten. Her husband's assassination almost killed her, poor girl.
It wasn't until Castro came to power in Cuba that Lincoln's successor, JKF, was finally able to get good cigars over the border, but it was an awful deal. I'm going to fix that disaster on Day 101. Don't say I'm at Day 102. That's FAKE NEWS.
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